Facing Death of a loved one Gracefully

Her name came fromt he world Xiu (小) in Cantonese. She was the one on far right, always the smallest amongst the 3 babies. Guai Guai was their mother (Lo Lo, Mimmi and XIu Guai) (Mimmi , XIu GUai)  (mimmi, xiu guai) Xiu Guai passed away Nov 23rd 2009, 04:30AM in her peaceful sleep on my chest. Like many of my other hamsters, she chose to die closest to her loved one. I had been taking care of her for more than 48 hours straight and she seemed to be recovering. Her passing away was a shock to me especially with a phobia of dead bodies, I woke up to feeling a hard body lying on my chest in the dark in the middle of the night. I buried her along the trail overlooking the sea. I can't say I had been a good mother but if she passed on with peace and love, there was nothing more I could have asked for. This is the side that was on my chest, she looked like she was sleeping so much in peace. Xiu Guai's old videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzfvIIz-FF0http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krsy6ER4RPs&feature=relatedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u0wPwvrVJQ&feature=relatedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3T7f6vmHFAU&feature=related

Just as that grief has not seemed to even vaguely vanish, I was welcomed with another death today afternoon as I was stepping out of home. I received an sms from my brother saying:

"Mei2 ada kabar dukacita. Maryono supir kita dari kecil sudah meninggalkan kita tadi pagi jam 3 subuh karena koma akibat sakit paru2. Kasian yah, dari kecil dia banyak jasa dan jaga kita. koko juga sedih."

"Sister, I have a sad news. Maryono, our long time driver has left us today at 3AM today morning from a coma due to Lung problems. It's a pity. He has meritoriously taken care of us. I am also very saddened."

I honestly do not know how to react to that. Another message filled my inbox:

"Iya, asli saya sedih banget. Dulu sejak SD dia sering kasih saya uang dia sendiri untuk saya jajan. Setiap kali pulang sekolah ngak ada pama dirumah, selalu hanya ada maryono, suster dan kamu. saya merasa sangat kehilangan"

"I am very deeply saddened. Since elementary school, he'd given me his own money so that I could go and buy food after school. Our parents were never home when we came back from school and there were always only him, our nanny and you. I really feel the loss right now."

Without noticing, I have spilled sauces, dropped food, etc at lunch today. I guess I was still in a trance. After all, I have never had a closed one dying... not a death of another human being.

My brother was right that my parents were never home. I grew up like an only child as he started to go out and played at friends'. There were only my nanny and my driver. I still remember the smell of the rusty wire nets at the driving range where my brother took me along as he learned driving from Maryono. The smell was so fresh at the tip of my nose that it only felt like yesterday. It was 17 years ago.

He worked with our family for 35 years, long before any of us were born. Talking about a man with no temper, no complaints, no demands; that would be Maryono. Always enganging, always chill, always happy despite the crazy frustrating traffic in Jakarta admist the humid hot steaming dusty weather. Despite long waiting hours, boring packed sidewalks cramped with drivers waiting for their employers at the less ventilated car parks in Jakarta, he always jumped up to glee with a huge smile on his face nonetheless the hours of the day. Slowly but sure he had become my best friend, one that always listen with replies as predictable as  "uh huh... he he he he." With parents from overseas, I had no family or cousin whatsoever in Jakarta. I did not grow up amongst cozy warm family oriented environment. He was family to me. I still remember him calling my home phone for as many as 10 times last time I went back to Jakarta only to say "Hi, you back? Hm... are you healthy?" and both of us went quiet with this awkward but "good" silence. We chuckled for about 2 minutes without saying much and hung up. When there is goodness in the air, nothing much needed to be said and you'd already know. That was how it was with Maryono, a small, lean statured man with a chubby friendly face.

I have promised that I'd take care of him in his old age after I succeed in my career and life and that I'd take him to live with me overseas before I left for the States 13 years ago. Yet now the promise is to be left unfulfilled. Life goes on and after all these griefs and sulking go away, I would still soldier-on on my path for I would make it a promise to myself this time that I'd be able to take care of my other loved ones in the future and even more so for I was sincerely loved once by a complete unrelated person. I would miss you, Maryono. Rest well. I know that you'd always be there...