Beauty, Image and Health

I have tried staying away from the scales for weeks till I feel less susceptible to feeling bad looking at the figures on my electric scale. Today morning, I went up n it showed a whooping 48.0kg. My eyes almost popped out.

If I think back, my dieting days started as early as 4th grade after my mum noticed me gaining a lot of weight too fast after she fed me multivitamins prescribed by doctors. I was way too skinny for kids my age, I couldn't seem to put on any weight for 1 bowl of rice took me around 4-5 hours to finish. Starting 2 yrs old, I tend to keep food in my mouth for hours and hours. So what my nanny used to do was hiding chillis in the middle of a spoonful of rice. I ended up throwing up after 5 spoonfuls as I was drinking a glass of water/spoon, it was hot you see. Yea, my mum was worried I was not growing normally till the vitamins worked wonders and I finished 10 adult-size plates of rice/day and gained 13 kg in less a month. Then, she was worried I was going to be fat (I barely reached normal kid size) that she put me on crazy regimens like 500 sit-ups and 1000 back-ups/day.  Soon, I contracted Hepatitis A and was in hospital from over exhaustions. Yea, so... dieting was never a new thing to me. I stopped taking rice at the age of 11, it was like that till very recent years. Even now, I don't eat much rice. Ow... I just found out from Discovery Health that not eating rice causes depression. Interesting to know, isn't it?

2 or 3 times in my life, I was really fat for my standard. I was studying in Singapore when I really gained substantial weight the first time. First time really away from home, away from constant surveillance and all previous school bullies and shame. All I could think of was studying. Do you feel hungry when you study? I do. So, I always had a lot of snacks on my table. My homestay parents were really stingy so I was only allowed little food at meal time.  At the time, I was 13 years old. At 154cm, my weight kept climbing and reached 51kg. Second time was year 2000, i weighed 50.5kg. Last time was in 2005 for some reason, I decided to eat rice on every meal and I weighed a whooping 52.5 kg. My face wasof rectangular shape. Yes, I can look really awful too. In fact, since Singapore my mum called me hypo thighs and barrel-waist. (Can't believe I let her put me through those mini waist belt 20 out of 24 hours a day, with the belt on, my waist used to read 13.5 inches! Wanna talk about having super anxious mother?). Other time, my weight fluctuated anywhere between 43-48 kg, with a median around 46 kg, 43kg being slim n 47up being too fat. So, yes, I am always ON diet! My record low in the past 10 years was probably last year's 41 kg. Last year I went through this hell diet where I was denied even basic food + high tech machines treatments. So far, I have tried ALL kinds of dieting program, starting from pilates, Yoga, all carb-diet, toxins flush, dieting pills (tried my first pills at 5th grade, mum gave it to me), no-oil diet, laxatives, all-protein diet, strict exercise diet, nutritionist visits, mechanical based diet, you  name it. Some worked wonders but really none is sustainable over  long period time without keeping the regimens which are arguably not healthy or over expensive.

I wanna write about this because I know there are a lot of girls out there are very self conscious about their looks, image, body lines, etc. All these are part of us and they really affect our self confidence, don't you agree? Well, the fact that I would not have worn bikinis if wasn't for the Malaysian Guide Book photoshoot tells more than self-potrayal of bikini body but also of my lack confidence. Having a mum like mine DEFINITELY does not help any better either. I have to agree I did not feel fit nor healthy last year despite looking argubaly great in my mind (without much fat deposits). Wanna know how I went from 42/43 early this year to 48 kg now? February was filled with sweets, March of bread and well... bread, April to now: mangoes. Yes, you heard me. OVER-EATING FRUITS CAN MAKE YOU FAT!

What beauty stands for in my mind is probably not anywhere aligned with what is really beautiful from a man's point of view. I bet a lot of guys would agree when it comes to Hong Kong girls' self-protrayed image as well. I remember feeling great and beautiful back then in States despite my weight not anywhere near 100 pounds. Come to think of it, asian girls in sydney are relatively a size or 2 smaller than those in states, this may sound stereotyping but it's probably due to Australia being closer to Asia.

I am very blessed to look a lot younger than my age and to have great skin from my dad. Having said this however, YO YO dieting has brought a lot of consequences on my body and mentality. For example, I seriously lack muscle mass and elasticity, I get sick easily, had been through periods of hairloss, chronic palpitation, anxiety, depression, indigestion, insomnia, and so on. Unhealthy diet is seriously BAD for you . Before people comment that inner beauty is more important that outer beauty, I want to ensure that my dad had me covered on that which arguably only made it worse. Growing up living and believing that I lacked of both was probably the worst self-image a woman could have about herself. I know and I always say this anyway, "Women go on diet their whole lives!". Nevertheless, having a healthy image of yourself and healthy lifestyle and diet intake is way more important than any image or beliefs that advertisements, parents, society endeavour to put on you. In the end, what really matters is YOU. You decide whether you are beautiful or not. You decide how other people look at you. Having battled extremity I know what I am talking about. So, despite gruntling having to exercise, I am going to get the value of my money's worth and visit the gym (note: I am sweating already the very moment I said that ). REMEMBER to NOT overdo it, you won't last. My plan? The conventional way I guess: sleep early, eat early, exercise. I remember a chinese medicine practionist telling me 3 keys to happiness: Eat well, sleep well, shit well! O LA LA!!!