thoughts for her

it almost seems inappropriate to talk about now that she's gone. but since i wrote previous entries about her, i feel like i kind of need to let the people who read about her know that she's finally left us.

tonight when i got home from work, i saw the message from my mom that my grandma had passed away. as much as i knew in my heart that she is in a much better place, i still cried...and felt... selfish...for feeling sad. if i was to only feel for her, i should be happy...because she can finally be at peace. the sadness is for my own feelings of loss. a loss of history. of culture.

i wish i had known her better. i wish i had seen her when she was young. i wish i had known her then. i wish i could have talked with her more. i wish i had spoken her language. especially now that she's gone, it is even more apparent that i hardly knew her at all.

i want to tell her that she's amazing for raising six children on her own, running a farm after my grandfather passed away so young. i want her to know that she is a part of me. i want to thank her for giving me my mother.

the important thing is that my mom is ok. and probably...relieved. it was incredibly difficult for her to see my grandma suffering.

if any of you are reading, please just send a good thought out to my grandma and my mom too. thanks everybody...

patty