more than meets the eye…

have you ever woken up one day and realized you are a completely different person?

this is happening to me.  over and over and over again.

complete transformation.

wtf [inthebestway].

it used to take so much time for me to change, and as i mentioned before, i seem to be changing faster and faster… at the speed of light.

even just a year ago i was still living in toxicity.  so much better than before, but still attached to a way of life that did not serve me one freaking bit.  alcohol?  binge eating?  exploiting myself?

however, through all the pain that i was not allowing myself to feel (with plenty of heavy medication of the herbal variety), my true self persevered.

i knew.

there are so many turning points i don’t even know how to begin listing them.  but the most influential step was my change in HEALTH.  this change began with removing toxic foods.  good GOD, i truly hope and wish for all people to realize how much eating toxic, non-organic, cooked denatured food FUCKS WITH YOU.  it fucks with ALL of your being — body, mind, spirit.  these are all so connected my loves.  i wish for all of you to feel liberated like i do.

it was no one person’s fault in my life that i was eating cooked, denatured foods as the staple.  habits are usually passed down from generation to generation.  through memes, society, and culture.  what American kid doesn’t like to chow down on some freakin’ pizza for example???  Oooh yum, a non-organic, gmo wheat crusted, hormone injected cheesy, sulfite infused meaty grease pancake?  MMMmmmmmMMmmm… can’t wait to feed that to my future kids!!!  i am baffled by parents who feed themselves so well, but then give in to their child’s demands for junk food.  who knows best here???

listen folks, i don’t mean to get all preachy up on a soap box or anything.  i just CARE ABOUT YOU.  soooo much!  and i hate seeing my fellow human beings suffering and in pain, just like i was a few years ago.  what i didn’t realize for so much of my life was that in actuality, i was severely malnourished.  and thing is, we don’t see what’s going on in our bodies, so sometimes we don’t always recognize what we feel in our bodies.

how did my lack of health manifest in my life then?  well…the best way i can explain is that i projected all that lack onto how i experienced my external environment.  bear with me, this might be confusing, but i was two versions of myself.  the internal experience of my life was mired in frustration, insecurity, anger, dependencies, jealousy, discomfort, dread, paranoia, possessiveness, fear, self loathing, judgment, dissatisfaction.  totally outta control.

people who know me would probably say, “what?  what do you mean?  we never see you like that.  you’re the most stable person i know!”  well, that’s what i thank all you people for.  everyone ELSE in my life (and by this i mean both the people within close proximity to my physical being AND every single human being on this freaking planet), gave me a grounding force for my true self — my true self that i could hold for others — loving, caring, helpful, steadfast, trustworthy, compassionate, seeing, knowing.  that is my true self.  this is always who i knew i am.

somehow i could hold that for others, but internally i was crying out so much inside with pain and not giving myself this love.  i became a serial [codependent] monogamist.  strings of codependent relationships (long and short) that both kept me from self-combustion but also still enabled my pain.  through the love i have for people i could maintain part of my best self for them when they needed me, but truthfully i still needed to be needed/wanted.  and because i wasn’t living my highest self, i wasn’t attracting others living their highest self either.  so in every relationship i created i was still clawing at ideals, knowing things weren’t right and trying to “fix” them, but not necessarily having the right tools.

whew.  this is heavy shit folks.  did i lose anyone there?

i’d say my transformation really kicked off years ago, with many ups and downs, lots of progress, and plenty of relapsing.  but in the last six months the change has been a whirlwind.  i was never a super heavy drinker, but alcohol fell away halfway through 2010 and i don’t see it coming back anytime soon.  there’s just no space for it anymore in my life.  what a waste of time really.  for me.  no judgment.

then the food choices really changed for good within the last six months as well.  i started eating only organic and mostly raw, living food.  nature’s best.

god’s candy.

the affect this has had on my body, mind, and soul is just extraordinary and fucking magical.  to be honest, the reason i started this shift in diet had many reasons based out of vanity.  the business i’m in puts a lot of pressure on women to be slim and i was having a difficult time controlling my intake of food (why?  I WAS MALNOURISHED!!!).  and yes.  i’ve gotten physically measurable results.  and i literally CURED my allergies.  they’re gone.  GONE.  not just lessened, reduced, or milder anymore.  they’ve completely DISAPPEARED.

but i’ve also gained so much more.

what i’ve now gained because of changing my diet is beyond anything i could have hoped.  i am seeing my real body for the first time in years.  i see myself exactly how i am.  there have been times in the past where i dropped weight and i still saw something else.  i was still dissatisfied.  always deficient in some way.

but now i see.  i see me.  cleansing my whole physical self freed up so much energy in my body that my mental and spiritual self healed as well.

how?  mentally i’m sharper than ever before.  and ravenous for new information.  this lead me to also give up the ganj, which was my medicine for a very long time.  again, it just seems a waste of time right now.  i’m enjoying clarity too much to fuzz that shit up.

and spiritually?

well.

where the fuck do i begin folks?  this is some seriously metaphysical shit that may need to be shared in another post because it will certainly take more than a few sentences.  but what i do want to say is that i remember as a child believing that i had super powers.

and often our innocent, pure children are the real harbingers of truth.

um… leaving it at that for now.

ok, i won’t leave you just with that.  but spiritually i’ve awoken to love.  truly loving myself and being able to give love to all.  i didn’t love myself before.  i wasn’t happy.  i didn’t enjoy life.  and now i do.  there’s so much love i don’t know what to do with it!  it’s just pouring out these days.  i love you all so much.  i’ve always felt the collective energy of my fellow human beings and there is just an overwhelming need for love in this world.  i love you so much.  so so much.  i promise to do everything in my power to show you true love.  there is nothing i want more in life than to find a way for you to feel true, unwavering, unconditional love.  i intend to do so and i know you’ll all join me as you awaken in spirit as well.  so much love.  so much love lying dormant within all you lovely little creatures.  meow yum.

we’re coming into an age where it is no longer about give or take, peeps.  instead it’s about give and receive.  because receiving is giving too.  giving and taking is just buying and you just can’t buy love.

love unconditionally and it will just come around back to you.  that is truly how it works people.

have a good look at yourself and love yourself.  love every part of you — the best and the worst.  release the guilt.  release the judgment.  release the shame.  release everything that doesn’t serve you.  they aren’t yours.  they never were yours.  and it’s not anyone’s fault.  everyone did the best they could with the tools they had.  our bodies are made up of a trail of generations before us, and it holds so much that isn’t us, but we can release it, with compassion being the number one tool.

harness this tool and you’ll unlock your own powers.  you’ll free yourself from the chains of the past.  you will cream your pants at how good it feels.

i promise.

love yous.

photo by tay tay