maybe

fear.

such an interesting thing this fear feeling.  once upon a time, fear used to be a tool for our ancestors.  for them to learn and establish what was dangerous in the world.  fear helped to inform us and save lives.

so what about now?  now that we’re so rarely faced with clear, present, imminent danger, what does fear do?

well, i can only speak for myself, but sometimes it immobilizes.  it causes excessive rumination.  fear often becomes a mental concept, and it exists in varying degrees of my consciousness.  instead of fearing being attacked by a wild creature in the jungle, i fear that people will reject my ideas, or judge me.

each time this happens, i try to remind myself that what is really happening is that one of my other selves (oh yes, i have many – christ, why do you think i do what i do?) is still judging.  ME.  one of my selves that decided to be responsible for absorbing the world’s judgments along the way, sometimes turns on my other selves — who are inexplicably weird and expressive and just trying to have some fun.

it’s a bitch!

i’ve worked very hard over the years to overcome my fears and i am proud of where i’m at.  but it’s funny.  there’s still that inkling back there, that makes me hold back a little.

maybe it’s a good thing.  maybe it’s better that i don’t just put everything out there right away.  instead i sort of tease a little.  maybe it’s part of what makes all this sharing more exciting.  maybe i’ve found balance.

maybe all this pretense is just a way for me to be a little coy, so that when i drop a sexy photo, i don’t feel like a harlot.

maybe it’s no longer fear.   maybe i’ve just discovered my pace.  my boundaries.  and i decide when to push them.  maybe.  maybe.

maybe i should just share a goddamn photo already.

photo by leigha hodnet