lovesick

it’s been a while since i’ve actually journal-ed on here and it’s hard to say why.  i’ve been feeling very private.  maybe that’s not a terribly bad thing.

part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired.  but that isn’t true.  i’ve felt incredibly inspired.  in life.  the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].

or have i?

this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.

i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia.  not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.

however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).

thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating.  they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits.  well, i don’t put ads on my page.  this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice!  i’ll update when i want to update.  honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page.  i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies.  my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.

but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart.  can i really share that with the world?  i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things.  but i’ll try.  i’ll try for you.

what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good.  scary.  fun.  beautiful…

gosh…what could that mean?

haha…well…i think i’m entertaining the art of love.

love.

love is so risky and beautiful and frighteningly intense.  i’ve been scared to love for a long time.  wait.  that’s not true.  actually, i love easily.  i believe that when we love unconditionally, the more unconditional love we receive.  i love my friends so much.  i love my family.  i love people i meet.  i love my kitties.  i love this city.  i love every opportunity that comes my way and i thank the universe for all these wonderful gifts.

but there is another level of love that i’ve been trying to understand and reach for much of my life.  an idealized love perhaps?  the love we’re supposed to find between two people and ONLY those two.  is it realistic?  i don’t know.  i can’t seem to understand…or at least i haven’t yet.  but i think part of the problem is HOW people love.  i think that sometimes people mistake possession and codependency for love.  i’ve certainly experienced this before in my previous relationships and FYI possessiveness is a surefire way to kill any relationship with moi.  maybe some bitches like being possessed a little but i can’t stand it.  get jealous and i’ll give you more reasons to be jealous.  ouch.  rebellion!!!

but…never possess me and i’ll be yours forever…

one thing i’ve learned about myself over the years is that i MUST always experience new things.  this realization about myself has created a fear that i will perpetually hurt people who come into my life.  as we thrust forward into the unknown, we sometimes leave others behind.  i’ve certainly felt this happen to some relationships and it’s not that i cared any less, it’s just that i was being called to another stage of life experience.  and sadly, sometimes the people we’re with don’t want to budge.

my intuition tells me that everything will be fine.  not just fine — AMAZING.  the thing is, each relationship we create with every new person is unduly unique, regardless of what type of dynamic — friendly, romantic, professional, etc.  and i LOVE that.  i CHERISH that.  and i truly believe that when you connect on the deepest level with people, it won’t matter anymore and you’ll all evolve and grow together.  the best friends that i have are all people that i trust to be there even if we sometimes lose touch for weeks.  they’re all incredibly creative people who are just as insane as i am.

all i can do is be true to myself.  make my intentions pure, and love unconditionally.  i practice every day.  what’s meant to happen always does.

so LOVE.

love limitlessly, love generously, love deeply…

i will keep practicing.  and i know someone out there will evolve with me, or better yet, inspire me to evolve.

besides baxter.