May 20, 2007: Parental Gratitude | 2007年5月20日: 父母恩

说到感恩，最先要感恩的是父母。不知什么因缘，父母把我带到了这世间，我对父亲印象非常少，我两岁时，父亲就因公去世，所以在我从小的记忆当中，只有母亲不停地用她的心血把我们抚养长大。家里有两个哥哥，两个姐姐，最小的就是我。还记得很多小时候的片段，我常跟着母亲去上班，她的上班时间是下午两点到晚上十点，有一回下大雨，那时家里穷，连雨伞都没有，妈妈找了个塑料布，她背着我，我就拿着塑料布遮着自己和妈妈，母子俩就这样走在雨中。

从小邻居们都会骑单车，母亲不给我骑；大家都会游泳，母亲不让我学游泳；进了武术队，同学们什么都会，我除了练武术，什么都不会；也许这是母亲保护孩子的一种方法吧。

我们每周有六天是在学校住宿，只有周六晚上才回家。但是妈妈每次在她周三放假时，常带零食到学校看我。其实这违反学校规定，在小孩心里，心情挺复杂的。有时候很开心，有时候觉得很不好意思，有点责怪母亲。转眼几十年，在我的生命过程中，母亲都用自己的方式关爱着我，而年轻时的我有时候并不认同，直到自己有了孩子后，才知道母亲的伟大。母亲做任何事，都是希望孩子健康的成长，哪怕是孩子做错了，她都会包容。

我一直很尊重女性，母亲就像大地，你种什么她就长什么，你种好的坏的，她都无怨无悔地陪伴着你一生。所以我还记得生命中两次默默的许愿，第一次我十二岁时拿冠军，站在领奖台上，我说："母亲，我做到了！虽然父亲不在了，但我希望你为这个儿子而骄傲。"

第二次是在2000年，我在法国工作，姐姐打电话告诉我母亲病重的消息，我责备姐姐为何这么晚才通知我，姐姐告诉我："妈妈说你从小就怕见死人，见到死人就会害怕，所以让我们不要叫你回来。"其实我已经成人了，但在母亲眼中，孩子永远是孩子。小时候有一次看白雪公主小人书，看见巫婆那可怕的样子，我非常害怕，哭着要姐姐带我去找妈妈，姐姐只好带着我到妈妈回家必经的路上等，我们就很冷地坐在那里等。可能因为儿时太胆小，母亲印象中觉得我是怕死人的，所以在她临走时，还嘱咐姐姐不要叫我回来。其实我也知道在最后的时刻，我不能做什么，我能做的就是在她床边摆了一个观音菩萨的六字大明咒念佛机，不停地放，我也在旁边不停地念，祈愿她有好的未来。

母亲一直不放心哥哥姐姐们，在九十年代不管我买房子给母亲或给她多少钱，妈妈依然省吃俭用，把钱存起来供孙子上学。可能她从小生活的那个年代，必须想方设法养家糊口，勤劳一生。其实曾经也有人喜欢母亲，愿意帮她一起抚养孩子，但是由于她传统的思想，怕给孩子阴影，过不了孩子们的那一关，所以母亲还是选择了单独带着我们成长。

记得我头一次捐款到青海建学校和医院，有邻居以她们的角度在说话，为何把钱捐给不认识的人？把钱给兄弟姊妹不是更好？

母亲也问过我，我说："因为我是你的儿子呀，你把我带到这世间，不单单是只来照顾兄弟姊妹的。"所以在我第二次捐款时，母亲一句话都没说，只是对我笑一笑。

母亲走之前还恋恋不舍世间，我能做到的就是答应母亲："你放心的走吧！我会尽力把哥哥姐姐照顾好，使她们生活无忧，孩子们可以好好上学。"但我当时默默地告诉母亲："我已经尽心尽力去帮助家庭，在未来，我一定发出更多光和热，带给更多人快乐幸福，减少他人的痛苦；你把我带来人间，不是只为了这个小家庭，可能还为了更多；虽然你离开了，为报答你的养育之恩，在我今后的人生道路上，我将不断为他人付出爱与关怀。"我想说："母亲，不论你在哪里，我一定会努力做到，以报答你和父亲把我带到人间一回。"

我们并不一定要等到自己做了父母，才去理解我们的父母。所有人如果能提早反省，我们在世上能生存，能学习， 能谈恋爱，甚至有一点点的快乐，都起源于父母对我们无私地付出，我们才有今天的快乐。所以报父母恩，是做人最基本的要求。

我深深地感激父母。

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On the topic of gratitude, the very first gratitude goes to my parents. I'm not sure why, but I was lucky enough to be brought to this world by my parents. My father passed away while on the job when I was just two years old so I have very few memories of him. Most of my childhood memories consist of just my mother, raising us with her blood and sweat. There were two older brothers, two older sister and then the youngest -- me. I still remember fragments of my childhood...

Occasionally I would join my mother at her work, from 2:00 in the afternoon to 10:00 at night. One time as we were returning home in the evening it was pouring rain. The downpour was so terrible that my mother had to carry me on her back. We were so poor back then that we had no umbrella, so my mother found a small sheet of plastic and as she carried me on her back I used the piece of plastic to shelter us from the rain. That image of my mother and her son, walking in the rain, has been engrained very deep inside my memory.

I remember that when I was very young, we were extremely poor. Mother had to raise five kids as well as take care of my grandparents. Maybe I was a good kid because no matter what I did, it was always with the hope that I could help my mother with the heavy burden of raising the family on her own. Because of my mother's love I was often sheltered from various aspects of life. All the neighborhood kids knew how to ride a bike, but my mother wouldn't let me. They all new how to swim, but my mother wouldn't let me learn. So when I started attending the martial arts school, all my schoolmates already knew how to do everything and I seemed only to know how to train. Perhaps this is one method by which a mother protects her child.

We lived at the martial arts school dormitories six days a week and were only allowed to return home on Saturday evenings for one day. My mother's day off from work was on Wednesdays, and even though it was against the rules, she would often bring treats and visit me at school. I had very mixed feelings back then; sometimes I was happy and excited and sometimes I would feel embarassed and silently blame my mother. But several decades came and went and I eventually realized that throughout my life my mother has always used her own methods to love us. It's just that I didn't understand them when I was younger. Until I had children of my own, I didn't realize my mother's own greatness. Everything she did was in the hopes of providing for and raising her children. Even if we did something wrong, she would accept us without fail.

I've always had a deep respect for women. You commonly hear the term "mother earth". Mothers really are like the earth, where whatever you plant, it grows. Good planting or bad, she will never complain and always be there for you throughout it all. This is why I remember making two silent wishes. The first time was when I was 12 years old and had just won the national championship. I thought silently to myself, "Mother, I did it! Even though father is gone I hope you can be proud of your son."

The second time occurred during the year 2000. While working in France my sister called me and told me that my mother was very sick. I asked her why she had waited so long to call me and she replied "Mother said you've been afraid of seeing dead people since you were a kid, so she said not to tell you to come home...". The truth of the matter is that I'm an adult. But to a mother, a child will forever be a child to her. Once when I was young I was reading a Snow White comic book and saw the image of the scary, wicked witch. I became very frightened and threw a crying fit at my sister, asking to be taken to my mother who was still at work. So we sat in the cold and dark on the side of the street, waiting for my mother to come home. It could be that I was scared a lot as a child, about a lot of things, so my mother's impression all these years was that I had a fear of dead people.

Before she passed away she remembered this and nagged my sister not to tell me that she was ill. I knew that I couldn't do anything for her during the last stage of her life. The only thing I could do was set up a tape player with a chant of the Mantra of Buddha and Compassion playing over and over. It played on while I stood beside her, chanting along with the mantra, wishing for her to have a good future.

Mother could never stop worrying about my siblings. In the 90's, no matter how much money I gave her or even when I bought her a house, she continued to live frugally, saving money for her grandchildren's education. Perhaps it was a habit engrained from when she had to figure out a way to make ends meet. She had offers of marriage before, to help her raise her children, but she was brought up in an old fashioned way and was afraid of the affect that remarrying might have on her growing children. So she decided to raise us as a single parent.

I remember the very first time I donated money to a school, hospital and temple in Tibet. Some of the neighbors asked "Why donate money to folks you don't know? Wouldn't it be better to give it to your siblings?" My mother asked me this as well, to which I replied "I am your son. You brought me to this world not just to take care of my siblings." When I donated the second time my mother didn't say a word; she only smiled at me.

Mother was having trouble letting go before she passed away. The only thing I could do was make her a promise: "I will do my very best to take care of my brothers and sisters, and provide an education for your grandchildren, so that you can have peace of mind." But what I silently said to her inside was "I have done my very best to help our family, and in the future I will shine even brighter, bringing more happiness to more people, and bringing relief to others. You brought me to this world not just for one small family, but for so much more. And even though you won't be here, to pay you back for raising me, from this day forth, I will keep on giving love and compassion to others." I wanted to tell her "No matter where you are, mother, I will do my very best to return the gift that you and father provided by creating me."

We don't have to wait until we are parents ourselves to understand our own parents. If we can just learn sooner that, as we live, learn, fall in love, etc., any little happiness that we might obtain in life now, all originated from the unconditional love of our parents. Then it seems that repaying parental love is one of the basic human needs.

My deepest gratitude goes out to my parents.