chinese new year

i feel like a cheater when it comes to new year's resolutions...cuz i always give myself til chinese new year to really make any big changes or push myself to do what i said i'd do in the new year...you know, get rid of this, start doing that, clean house, build house...but i feel like i just went through this process...and it's already been a year...or has it been more than that?  what i always promise myself is that i won't be saying the same things, making the same resolutions this year, as i did last year, cuz that would mean i haven't moved, improved, grown...that i'm still in the same place...i don't like that feeling of being stuck, still...it's hard to remember the good things that have happened, the changes, improvements you've made...it's easier to dwell on what you didn't do, what didn't get accomplished...but if i really sit back and think through the past year, as much as i feel like it flew by, so much DID happen...each month, each day, brought something new, an experience that was going to affect me in some way...sometimes you think back to periods in your life that you thought you'd never ever get through, yet somehow you did and you're here...that happened to me just in thinking of this past year.  i had ups, downs, way downs, and way ups...everyone does.  that's life, right? it's that whole thing about what goes up, must come down?  happy moods, sad moods...good days, bad days...i want to try to have more balanced, even days...peaceful days...like my mom always says, it's not good to be TOO happy and excited, or TOO down and depressed...stay even...that's been a fault of mine.  i'm WAY up and then i can go WAY down.  it's hard, sometimes as an actress you think you have to feel everything totally, fully, up or down...but beyond being an actress, i have to survive as a person, in this world, in my life...and a steadier, more emotionally even one, could possibly be the answer to survival of the fittest...for me, at least.  well, i'm going to give it a shot.  see how it goes...i'm sure i'll be up and down in the next few hours still over something like the beautiful day that's outside...then some nasty remark i hear, then back up with a happy meal with my grandma...guess you can't totally change overnite...but i can TRY...

also, heath ledger's death...so sad...i think of all these troubled stars, brilliant actors, who fight depression, and so much darkness haunting them, which maybe makes them as amazing as they are, but oh how i wish they were still here instead...for everyone who experiences the blues too often, or even sometimes, i hope you find something, that tiny thing, that can so simply and beautifully, lighten your mood, and make you love life again...