calling all guitar players...

I am a keyboard player ... by necessity I might add ... if I could hardwire thoughts from my head directly into the computer I would do so, but as it stands right now my Mac is no mind reader nor am I equipped with USB. So for time being I have to stab at little black & white bits of plastic and should I ever grace the stage I shall be relegated to the back, in the shadows. Face it, keyboard players a close second to laptop musicians in the Top 10 Most Dull Looking Things To Watch On Stage. Over the years I've learnt a massive amount of information about synths and keys and sound modules, drum machines, every type of synthesis imaginable, software replication thereof and many other types of hardware ... but I've been painfully ignorant of guitars for many many years. Purely out of laziness more than anything else ... plus I swear my fingers are too fat.   So – to the point –: being absolutely unaware of guitars I am also fairly out of touch with the world of stomp boxes ... effects pedals ... of which there are millions. And I am on a mission. Specifically I am looking for suggestions regarding distortion, overdrive, decimation, sample rate crushing, bit-rate reduction, glowing valves, screaming tubes, digital overload, torn cones, high-end boutique, super-fast square wave tremolo, FM modulation distortion, or cheap & nasty non-pedal tricks people use to get the most fucked up sound imaginable.  So I can run my keyboards & samplers thru them on stage. I may still look like a fat techno Liberace but at least it'll sound wicked. I am looking for suggestions to buy, offers to borrow or rent pedals for short-term use at the studio [I am fastidious about looking after other people's gear so no need to worry] ... if anyone feels so inclined please hit me up! In return for now, I'll share a little secret ... I stumbled across an incidental effect recently which might be of use. I own quite a few cheap & nasty 19" effects racks, one of which (made by Zoom) generates the most awesome digital clipping simply by overloading the input stage. The rest of the 'normal' effects sound like utter rubbish, but the screaming I got out of that poor thing after molesting it's inputs yesterday was insane. Think R2D2 being raped by something considerably larger. If you have ever overloaded the inputs on a Mackie mixer think that but 10 times worse. It was awesome. To save a bit of time, I'm familiar with Thermionic, Metasonix, Moog and ProCo but that really it about it. Thanks!