Movie Review: The Best Plan Is No Plan/溝女不離三兄弟

I really enjoyed Patrick Kong’s last movie, A Secret Between Us/第一次不是你.

It was well-written, well-acted, and had an interesting story.

The Best Plan Is No Plan/溝女不離三兄弟 is Patrick Kong’s latest effort.

It’s much different than its predecessor.

In almost every way.

It’s a comedy.

Well, it said comedy on the label.

It’s a comedy. but it’s not very funny.

I mean, it was funny sometimes, but only for all the wrong reasons.

It’s such a bad movie that you just have to laugh.

Most of the acting is so bad it’s stupefying.

It’s so poorly written that it’s actually hard to watch.

The plot stumbles forward like an arthritic zombie.

There’s no momentum to carry the film from one scene to the next.

The only thing providing any forward movement is simple logic: the story has to go here, so it goes there.

Just because.

The plot doesn’t drag, it scrapes.

Like nails on a chalkboard.

It’s like when you move a couch or refrigerator by yourself; you can’t carry it so you shove it a few feet and stop.

Then another few feet, then stop.

This movie is cinematically constipated.

There’s no rhythm, no tempo, no movement.

Just a whole lot of sh*t.

This is one of those movies whose editing makes it clear that the filmmakers knew they had a mess on their hands and were trying to make something workable.

But you can’t polish a turd. All you get is stink.

The Best Plan Is No Plan/溝女不離三兄弟 is not just hard to watch, it’s painful.

I found myself praying for the film’s end, which at least came after only 90 minutes.

But it was of course not without insults to the viewer.

Since it’s a Patrick Kong movie, it of course involves a series of twists.

The only new thing is the appallingly contrived and lazy nature of this particular set of twists.

They’re unpredictable only because they’re so f@#$ing stupid that you could never have guessed s omeone would could be shameless enough to foist that level of bullshit on an audience.

And speaking of bullshit…

The Best Plan Is No Plan/溝女不離三兄弟 wasn’t just a comedy. It was serious. For all the wrong reasons.

There are unfortunately Americans (and probably Europeans) stupid enough to confuse Arabs and South Asians.

Sikhs unfairly get branded Muslims because people are too stupid or lazy to know the difference or to find out.

But I doubt it was an American that wrote dialogue in this movie whereby Indians claimed to be suicide bombers.

It’s lazy, stupid, and racist, but what do you expect in a city where they still use blackface in movies?

If Chinese people want to get upset about being victims of cinematic racism, it might be useful to stop doing it yourselves.

It’s not funny to watch Hanjin speak Cantonese and English in an Indian accent.

It’s offensive.

The only interesting thing about this whole movie is trying to figure out where, how, and why Shiga Lin got hold of a KISS t-shirt with the German logo.

Well, that and the obvious fan service she is made to provide.

Which is not without it’s virtues.

Unlike… me.

She can’t act her way out of a paper bag, but…

Good Lord.