I FOUND IT!!!

I have previously written about my frustration at my inability to find a word that adequately and fairly expresses my displeasure and/or contempt with a certain type of male that is found with alarming frequency here in our fair city.

You know, the guy with the better manicure, wardrobe, and hair than the woman who is inexplicably holding his hand.

I wanted to find a pejorative term that indicts these effete twerps without impugning anyone unnecessarily, and I think I found it.

But first, a little background...

Men play with themselves (why lie? Ourselves) because we don't have women to play with at that time.

Or, we're left unattended with the internet for three minutes. But that's not my point...

It would seem antithetical to many men to play with themselves if they have the chance to play with (or be seriouswith) a real live girl instead. What's the point? Why bother? How anyone could prefer that is beyond me.

Masturbation is to sex what McDonalds is to food: it is, but it really ain't.You have no choice, so you take the only alternative.

But given the choice, why would you?

I'll take a sexual partner with an independent pulse, who will allow me to talk dirty in something other than the first person, any day of the week. 

Okay, she can't sign my checks, but other than that it's hands down (!) in favor of the girl.

[Digression: Yeah, I'm 42, and I still call them girls. Maybe because if I tell people I need a woman-friend, they introduce me to their lesbian colleagues...]

In Hong Kong, playing with yourself is colloquially known as 'shooting down airplanes.'  In the US, we often call it jerking off.

I say this because we also have a noun, jerkoff, which describes an essentially useless, idiotic, or otherwise reprehensible person, overwhelmingly male; I've never heard a woman called a jerkoff.

I think it is based in the idea that this person's relationship to viable, useful citizens is the same as masturbation is to sex; one is useful to others, the other... isn't.

A jerkoffis someone who is an absolute waste of time, unreliable, stupid, and has absolutely no beneficial impact on anyone's life, including their own.

Remember what I said about choosing to jerk off rather than be with a girl?

Remember when I asked why any guy would prefer the company of a PSP rather than a real live girl with a heart, a smile, and a navel?

Do you want this:

Or this:

The reason he prefers the PSP is becauseHE'S A F@#$ING JERKOFF.

Ta daaaaa! We have a winner. It encapsulates the essence of the problem and doesn't unfairly impugn women or gay men.

Try it. It feels right, doesn't it?

If there's a corollary term in Cantonese, someone please share it with me. The next time Manicure Boy wants to swish past me onto the train as I am exiting, I would love nothing more than to say

"Out of the way, you f@#$ing jerkoff."

What'll he do? Cry?

I really, seriously, honestly hope this entry hasn't offended any women.

If it's offended any men, just go get another facial.

You f@#$ing jerkoff.