Twilight Saga IV: Eat, Prey, Suck (2010)

Twilight Saga IV: Eat, Prey, Suck (2010) Not coming soon to a theater near you.

By Richard Trombly

Middle-aged Bella Swan-Cullen (Julia Roberts)  had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having - an eternally teenage boy toy vampire husband (Robert Pattison) , a house with a dog door for her lupine lover, the eternally shirtless werewolf (Taylor Lautner), a successful career - yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life - (which all along has been to be turned into an undead, since in this crazy mythos vampires aren't really evil because they are so handsome - and looks are more important than your soul.) 

Evil hag Bella Swan (Julia Roberts) bares her fangs to suck the life out an unwitting Italian epicureanNewly deceased and undead, - and still yet to actually have sex with Edward - she is at a crossroads, Being eternal and dead wasn't all she thought it would be. Bella steps out of her comfort zone, risking everything to change her life (or is that undeadness?), embarking on a journey around the world that becomes a quest for self-discovery.Bella tells Edward she has new boyfriend who has a special surprise for him In her travels, she discovers the true pleasure of nourishment in a frenzied blood lust of eating Italians; then desecrating the power of prayer in India by discovering the true evil of vampire kind, and, finally and unexpectedly, the inner peace and balance of truly debauched sexual ecstasy in Bali with a hot hunk named Blade, the new addition to the Twilight love triangle (.And let's face it-  after decades of teenage angst from metrosexual Edward's endless coquetry, she needed a good lay, and in the end she realizes that indeed vampires suck. (as does the parody film of that name.)  

Coming in 2011 ... (which is still sooner than Edward ever will!)

Twilight Saga V: Necrophilia or Furries