once upon a time

i was quite a mess during the past few years, i lost my passion, love, energy,.... towards work and a lot of things. i did not know what happen - i just knew there are something missing in my life. where were the girl who loves her job and would willing to do anything to make her dream come true. the girl who worked very hard, day and night, always working and working. even after work, she would still go back home to re-think what did she do wrong with her performance. finally, i realize that girl was totally stressed out and tensed. besides work, she has no other life. then, taking a break and look back this girl's life. i realize this problem has been added up to the max.

ever since i was a little girl, i worked very hard. for example, when i was in high school, i was a full-time student and had a full-time job and part-time job. work seven days a week, went to school in the morning, studied during transportation and waiting time, worked in the afternoon till night, studied during the break-time. whenever there were holidays period, i would sign up for more extra work coz working on holidays earn more than regular pay. there were no summer for me coz i signed up for all summer school and tied up with jobs. from high school till college, those few years were like working and working and studying and studying. i did all these because i was full of anger towards life and my father. i did not want any financial support from him and i thought being a total independent will prove to him and the world that i am strong, smart and persistent. at that time, i did not know what i have missed - all school activities, travelling, fun and crazy time with your school mate, romance, party....etc. but back then, those werent important to me, i thought being rich and successful is the most important thing in life.

after i finish school, i told myself, i still need to work hard coz i want to be the first one who can buy house, nice car..all those luxury things. but since i miss out a lot of fun activities during teenager time, i will be someone who play hard and work hard. i make money and play with those money and make more money for saving. then, after a year or two, i realize if i dont drop "playing", i wont be able to save up a lot of money. then, i became a workaholic, work crazily, take as many jobs that i can. money was the only thing i was focused on. i would sacrafice all family time and being with friends' time so that i can work. i hardly see my friends, family, and hardly hardly to do any fun things with them anymore. this life style had been going on for quite a long time. then, i realize, without your love ones, fun things in life, no matter how much money i have on hand, it is meaningless.

then, i started to lighten my workload, being a bit more careful for choosing job. i rather work less but have more of my own time. then, i realize it is not enough. i want job satisfaction - i want to do more job that is challenging and interesting, not for the money wise. i want to have quality time with family and friends, not just seeing time, dinner with them or talk on the phone with them. i want to do things with them. travelling together, go to a movie or even having a little party or playing video game togehter, late-night talk.....etc. i mean, i missed out so much in school time, i still dont know how to ride a bicycle, ice-skate, ...all those things that i should have known during my childhood time.

again, i realize the time is not right, all my friends now are either married and with childern or too busy with work. it is hard to get back to those old days. and then, i looked at my work, i was not earning satisfaction anymore. most of my work is not so challenging and interesting anymore. i need a breakthrough. what shall i do? i keep on asking myself. again, i realize if i want a break-through, i need to have a break first.

during the break that i am taking now, i finally realize all my past life, i had things done in very extreme way. i wanted to study hard in order to get out of school sooner and save money, i studied real hard. i wanted to work hard to earn money, then i worked really hard, day and night, which at the end, my health is totally ruined. when i wanted to have quality time with family and friends and show them love, i go to another extreme, i tried to hold a lot of gatherings, bought them a lot of gifts, writing them a lot....etc. then, i realized my friends might need their private time. i mean, what i have been lacking of is "BALANCE", i never knew how to balance my life with work, family, love, friends, activities....etc.

therefore, from now on, balance is something i need to work on. i will be quite picky on choosing jobs (luckily i dont have any financial burden plus some extra savings allow me to do so), i will only choose job that is interesting and challenging or beneficial to the society and charity work. among friends and family, i will spend good quality time with them. even for a short trip, we all can have fun. even at this age, most of my friends have family and childern, we can still all go out and do so crazy things once in a while ma. then, need to exercise and find something to learn - dancing, horse riding or motorcycle riding...etc. reading good book and watching good movie. life can be as simple as that but it could be fun too.

so now, i officially announced that i am still having my break but it is coming to a through now, which is a new "breakthrough".

miss you guys a lot and i believe i will see you guys soon on some media channel, guess what???? not telling you yet! but soon, i promise.

love, patricia

ps of course, we still have to save some time for god, read his bible, pray to him, go to church. after all, he is our leader who leads us through this ugly world.