Official Artist
Oli Pettigrew
MC / Show Host , Model
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My Open Letter of Complaint to DELTA AIRLINES

Dear united airlines,

I feel compelled to e mail you on the truly astounding level of customer service that we received on flight 281 from Narita to Singapore on the 13th July 2010.

I have always flown Northwest Airlines to the US via Japan, and I must admit they were left wanting. The only relief I ever had was that the plane to Japan was relatively new, and the staff onboard for the Japan leg was professional and courteous.... We won' t even mention the US leg.

However, I have not flown them since Delta bought them out, and I was eager for change.

And, well, gee wizz, hot-diggity damn did I, and my friends receive that change in spades on the flight we just endured into Singapore.

We feel we must congratulate you on your hiring practice of only finding the most truly bitter, dried out old hags to work on your 'esteemed' airline. My only concern is that although their sarcasm level is exemplary, their delivery and variety did leave us, at times, wanting.

My friends and I, must excuse ourselves. We did inadvertently offend said hags by asking for a drink with dinner. When questioned whether one of our friends was underage, we simply replied 'no, he's 20' (over age in japan, our origin, and singapore, our destination and country of residence). We were (courteously) informed they could not serve our friend a drink. He asked for a coke, and I joked 'it's okay... He's my son... Ha.. Ha... Ha'

We all laughed, the stewardess laughed and even called me 'too handsome to be his father'

Hilarity was had by all and I basked in the compliment.

However it appeared that we had inadvertently called your entire 'rear of plane team' c*nts without realising it.

How foolish of us.

For the next 7 hours we were refused service quite inexplicably. Irrelevant of whether our service light was on or not, we were pointedly ignored. It was obviously our interacial friendship of doom that seemed to turn them away from us. My friend Mohammed is quite obviously a terrorist... My being white means I must have automatically assumed that the 4 asian staff were actually whores who wanted to sleep with my wallet, and my asian friend was secretly a kung fu evil master plotting their demise.

At one point my entertainment system crashed (I can't blame them for that, though the cackles were very well timed). After ringing my bell once every 5 minutes for 20 minutes I finally got up and stepped one whole step to the Galley - as we were in row 57, the final row of the plane - and mentioned that my system was down giving my row - 57 and my seat number

'Are you sure you it's row 57?' (Look at the other 3 girls and cackle)

'Yes, its the final row of the plane'

'Are you (snigger) sure?'

'You do work on this plane right? What is the last row? 57 right? Then yes, 57!'

Eye roll... Group cackle

The lady took a whole one step and saw my empty seat and proclaimed 'row 57' and laughed... Genius.

As a brit, I have been brought up on meagre comedy like Monty Python and Blackadder.... The true comedy genius of 'row 57' escaped me, and to my eternal shame I will never get that joke.... Most likely because your employees appeared more drunk than I.

Getting into the whole 'sarcasm' lark I joined in laughing heartily as I asked

'Was it?!! Haha, was it row 57!?!? Wow??!'

Again my humour appeared to miss the mark. I asked for a beer in the hope that alcohol could at least dull the pain and speed the journey.

'Ooooohhhh get the man a BEEEEEERRRR' one cackled - Genius, a true first grade stab through the agressive comedy heart

I asked for a Tiger

'Get the man a TIIIIIGGGEEERRRRR' - epic

But it was then fully realised in it's epic example of epic epicness as one of the other Stewardesses proceeded to do the 'RAWR' face and gesticulated at me with her makeshift claw she created with her hand.... I'm really not joking

On receiving my beer I confess I replied 'thanks for the beer, and I appreciated the sarcasm'

Once safely out of ear shot, the girls discussed this.... Oh no, wait I was sitting 2 feet away, but once around the corner the girls (read hags) cackled once again at the top of their voices as they had done for 20 minutes (employing the knowledge of 2 year olds and dogs - I.e, if I can't see them I must be invisible and unheard') - a good thing nobody else was trying to sleep... Except the whole plane.

I made sure to thoroughly enjoy the flight, which - to my amusement - really pissed off your staff, who did their best to ignore me (while looking at me as they passed)... I even used the trash they refused to take from us to make sculptures (I appear to be quite good - though over 7 hours I had a lot of practice).

Once the flight ended I made sure to sarcastically assure them their service was 'excellent'

A proudly loud and sarcastic 'I hope so' followed me and the remaining passengers down the corridor to excessive cackling.

Dear Delta, your service isn't bad, it's insulting. Get you staff laid or something... They hate themselves, their lives, and the whole world.

Enclosed would be a photo of your great staff which I took at departures with 'this is for your boss' as a calling... I wonder why they tried to hide their face. - except I can't attach to this e mail. It will be however attached to the public version of this letter I post on my fan pages, twitter account and blog as well as on the e mails about this I send to all your competitors just to give them a good giggle

Go f*ck yourselves



almost 14 years ago 0 likes  5 comments  0 shares


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