Toilet Water Entourage – a memoir of shooting a Chinese TV show

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Flying Tiger with no where to go

"Get me outa this tree kid!"

Yanking my chain

I shot the above scene this morning. The harness they fitted me with was a little too snug and it cut crisscross lines into my ass cheeks. I can’t complain because it made it easy to act a tired and frustrated pilot on the verge of being captured. There were six guys with a cable yanking me up and down until a young villager called Niuwa finally provides succor. He cunningly dresses me up in scarecrow clothing and smears mud on my face to soften jutting features. The two of us then try and make it through a Japanese guard post but as stupid as the Chinese like to portray the ‘guizi’ (demons, affectionate term for Japanese) in these shows and believe me for the most part they do a really good job, on this occasion the guards on duty excel themselves and smell out Caucasian blood. John Robert is therefore forced to shoot his way out.

The secret English-Chinese dictionary

I wasn't quite sure what to call this memoir. I considered, 'Planes, Trains and Cicadas' as well as 'Plato's Republic and a Chinese TV Series'. I settled on 'Toilet Water Entourage' for reasons you will soon see. Currency for the other potential names will also become apparent. In short, I play a Flying Tigers pilot in a 30 episode Chinese TV series called 锁定美军特使/SuoDing MeiJun TeShi - Locking the US Envoy. My character will soon be rescued by a ragtag Chinese military outfit called the 'New Forth Army'. Their commander, Zheng, although a decent fellow, doesn't quite perform this good deed out of sheer kindness. He believes that Robert is a colonel in possession of a secret document and providing him safe passage will curry favor with his superiors. Unfortunately for Zheng and his unit, Robert is just a lowly corporal and the only 'document' he carries is an English-Chinese dictionary.Sharing a moment with Captain Zheng

Learning English with XiaoYe

It is George’s first day on set. George is playing Colonel Clare, the actual colonel that the Chinese and Japanese both seek. He walks across to greet XiaoYe, the Japanese officer who will be torturing him a few episodes later. But before George can open his mouth, XiaoYe blurts out: “You dick!” George responds in Chinese: “Duibuqi, ni shuo shenme?” - "Excuse me, what did you say?"。XiaoYe once again says: “You dick!” It turns out that XiaoYe is practicing some of the English he's expected to use in the show. Unfortunately, because his English is absolutely brutal, he blurts out "You dick!" when he should be saying: "You die!" Stick around for more tips on learning English brought to you by XiaoYe.

Getting blown up

The make-up artist is squirting drops into the eyes of a soldier who just got blown up by a mortar explosion. I don't know who was in the wrong, him or the technician, but either way he walked over the blast sight when it went off and is now looking a little stunned. Those explosions look great from a distance, but I'm guessing not that great when you're standing in them. They're loud as hell too and the ground moves like earthquake foreplay. Sand, stones and grass get spewed out over a 15m radius. Usually it all seems pretty safe, the problem arises when you're not paying attention to what's getting setup around you. Because everyone is rapping off in Chinese you have to actively tune in to ensure you're fully informed. It's not like there is some specially assigned guy who comes around and tells you where all the explosives are getting buried. Remember, this is China. In one battle scene they set one up a meter from me. They yell “Kaishi!” – ‘”Action!” and the next thing I know my ears are ringing, I’m covered in dirt and two soldiers are slamming me into a rock in an effort to shield my character. Next time I’ll be a tad more vigilant in figuring out what's what and where.

The Silence of the Cicadas

So why the two other potential titles? 'Planes, trains and cicadas' is a no-brainer. We're out in the forested hills of butt-fuck nowhere and shooting is therefore constantly halted by a passing plane or train. The cicadas are part of nature and only pose a sound problem when they're really close and overly frisky. The sound guy will then administer Bruce Lee kicks to the trunks of trees they inhabit. Strangely enough, this usually has a calming effect. If I was getting down and someone kept kicking the bed posts it would shut me up too.My nurse and I

‘Act like this you foreign retard!’

The other title is less obvious and requires a little foray into Plato's Republic in order to understand how it could possibly relate to a Chinese TV Series. The part that annoys me most about these shows is the flagrant disregard for one's place on set. Basically, everyone tells you what to do whether they have the right to or not. They always think the foreigner is a ‘quexin yan’r’ (retard). I took part in a few shows in the west and one thing that is made abundantly clear is that everyone does the job they're hired for. The sound guy doesn't tell the gaffer how to set up lights. The DOP doesn't tell the director how to direct the shot. And unless you're absolutely clueless which you shouldn't be if you've got the role, actors don't tell actors how to act. My nurse, XiaoYu, although cute with big boobs, will sometimes do this which is really aggravating. But the worst breech of protocol is when the actors openly give their two cents worth on how to shoot the shot. A discussion then breaks out where more people get involved all talking with the confidence of ignorance. It messes with the rhythm of filming and undermines the director’s authority.

Succor from Socrates

The central question of Plato’s Republic is: “What is justice?” And in trying to define this tricky concept Socrates and his students first go about locating exactly where justice can be found. Justice exists within a man’s soul. It is also present within a well-governed city. They decide to track it down in the city because it’s easier to see justice at work in a tangible environment like a city than in the abstract confines of a man’s soul. They construct a perfect city, the Republic, which is made up of three classes: the producers, soldiers and guardians. Justice is said to be found in the relationships between the classes. Justice for Socrates is a kind of harmony and the city is harmonious because the producers produce, the soldiers fight and the guardians lead.Everyone does their assigned duty and there is no usurping of another’s office. I found out how to express this in Chinese – ‘meige ren gejinqizhi’ (everyone performs their own function) and I told my nurse. Yes, she still gets a thrill out of telling me where to stand, sit, walk or whatever, but she doesn’t tell me how to act anymore. This I’m sure, however, has more to do with the fact that I shed real tears in a scene than it has to do with Plato or Socrates. A small victory all the same. (I wonder how Plato would feel if he knew his classic had relevance for something as random as a Chinese TV show). 

Cliff jumping with John Robert

John Robert is accident prone. He’s also in love with XiaoYu, the nurse. Put these things together and we have him climbing a cliff in order to pick wild flowers for XiaoYu. He was recently shot in the leg which doesn’t help his balance. Getting up and picking the flowers is not a problem but as he descends the cliff he slips on some loose gravel, smashes his arm dislocating the shoulder and tumbles down to terra firma. In the original script, I’m supposed to be bitten by a snake but since there were no snakes on hand, they cooked up this idea instead. I don’t mind doing little stunts as long as I’m given padding and decent direction. So, the AD gives me knee and elbow pads, sends me up the cliff and then tells me how to fall. I do as he says, slipping on gravel, twisting my body as I slam my elbow on a rock and then roll forward landing on my back on a mattress at the bottom. I’m thinking it’s a one-take wonder when the stunt director confronts the AD saying that that’s not how I should I fall. He tells me how he wants me to do it and we shoot his way three times. By the time they yell ‘guole’ (over) my elbows and knees are swank but I got a nice bruise down the side of my leg. They don’t have padding for that part of your body. Now I’m not bleating like a sheep caught in a fence in that part of the Australian outback where men outnumber women three-to-one because of a few bruises. I’m bleating like a sheep caught in a fence in that part of the Australian outback where men outnumber women three-to-one because the AD and stunt director should first discuss how the fall should be done before anything is shot. I don’t like being used and abused like a prop doll.As you can see I know exactly what I’m doing in this controlled cliff descent

More English lessons with XiaoYe

Back to Colonel Clare and XiaoYe, his Japanese tormentor. It is episode 29 and Colonel Clare is running through the Yunnan jungle in search of the secret document. He hid it under a tree way back in episode 1 just before the Japanese captured him. He finds the document but before he’s able to make a B-line for McDonalds, XiaoYe arrives with the entire Japanese infantry. Colonel Clare, fed up with the crumby treatment he’s received what with the torturing, the execution of his girlfriend, the bad sushi etc, decides to Go Postal. He pulls out his Mauser (speak to the prop guy why an American Colonel is carrying a Nazi gun) and aims it at XiaoYe’s head. He squeezes the trigger and ….click, click, click. And this is where XiaoYe gets to once again flaunt his impressive English skills. He’s supposed to say, “Hahaha, you have no bullets!” He gets out the first part without incident but unfortunately the word ‘bullets’ proves too much for him to handle. Although Colonel Clare painstakingly drills him before the take, when it comes to filming the best he can do is, “Hahaha, you have no bread.” He’s supposed to follow this up with, “Give me the secret document.” Clare decides to simplify things for him by scrapping ‘document’ because it’s a 3-syllable monster and so it becomes, “Give me the secret.” Alas, the word ‘secret’ also poses a problem and comes out sounding more like ‘sandwich’ than anything else. So on action we have, “Hahaha, you have no bread! Give me the sandwich.” It seems XiaoYe is fixated on food. I’m guessing he must have skipped a meal. I could do with a sandwich right now myself but I guess I’ll just have to settle for flied lice.The wonders of Rejectarium the miracle molecule

Rejectarium – miracle molecule

If you’re ever wandering through the jungle and you stumble across a cloud of mustard gas don’t panic. Just pull out a sprig of spring onion, place it between your lips and breathe normally. The carotenoids in the spring onion will react with the mustard gas and the spit enzyme, salivary amylase, to form a molecule known as ‘Rejectarium’. Now it’s hard for me to describe the actual bonding process because it’s all very scientific but what happens basically is that an invisible shield forms over your entire body thereby preventing the gas from harming you. Like I said it’s all very scientific. If you’re not convinced then I suggest you try it at home. Actually perhaps don’t because you’ll probably buy the wrong kind of spring onion. Anyway, I found all this out in Episode 14 when I have to try and rescue a village girl, AhXiaMei, who has fallen prey to the deadly gas. When I asked how I was supposed to do this when the gas is still wafting above her head, I was told not to worry because I’d be running in armed with the sprig and would soon get to witness the effect of Rejectarium firsthand. So I do what I’m told and lug AhXiaMei out to safer pastures.Unfortunately, she is too far gone and so in essence all I’m rescuing is a corpse which is a tad less heroic. Hey I tried. It’s not my fault I’m a foreigner. At least the spring onion worked and also made for a healthy snack after the shot.

Cranking up the idiot factor

It’s pretty common knowledge that foreign actors in China are often portrayed as ‘Bendan’ (fool) or ‘Huaidan’ (scoundrel). Robert and Clare are definitely not complete idiots or villains, but the two of us are written in such a way that when the Japanese are not providing enough conflict, our cowardice, incompetence or downright pansy-ness come into play. In episode 2, I get shot in the leg early on and although the bullet gets removed, I’m prone to severe bouts of fever whenever a reason is sought to slow us down so the enemy can get close. At one point I’m so weak from fever fatigue that my little nurse even gives me a piggyback ride – and this is 15 episodes after I was shot and my wound has long since healed. When we attack three Japanese on sidecars, one of them is supposed to be only wounded so he can attack us later. I get assigned this task while everybody else makes a clean kill. I’m supposed to be a Flying Tiger for crying out loud. Yet they have me more resembling a Flying Pussy Cat or perhaps a character out of a Winnie the Pooh story – the Flying Tigger!Getting carried by XiaoYu, my little nurse

‘There’s a ladder in your stocking Colonel Clare!’

But my gripes are small when compared to Colonel Clare. As if his name wasn’t punishment enough, he spends most of the show fleeing the enemy and then getting captured. He does have a few cool scenes, however, where he gets to prove he does indeed stand erect when he pees. Cool scene 1: punch XiaoYe, his arch-rival and escape with documents. Cool scene 2: surrounded by Japanese, sit on rock and smoke cigarette fearless of looming death. Cool scene 3: single-handedly attack entire Japanese unit after girlfriend is shot.Unfortunately for Colonel Clare, all these scenes get scrapped. And to further increase his struggles with manliness, his gun (Mauser mentioned earlier) usually jams and when it actually does fire, he always misses. Colonel Clare doesn’t get to shoot one single Japanese soldier the whole show. Now that is quite a feat. By the way, I also get to use the Mauser and let me tell you it’s annoying as hell when everyone around you is happily blasting away and you’re left playing pretend. The prop guy later informed us that if you hold it at the right angle it works okay. Sadly, we don’t get to hold it like a cool gangster rap dude who would hold it palm facing down. The angle he means is palm facing up so we look even more like the ‘Bendan’ we are.Colonel Clare shooting blanksDemonstrating how to hold the Mauser so it actually fires

ZhangNan, the prick, gets torched

The AD who looks after all us actors also plays the role of ZhangNan, a bespectacled soldier in my unit. ZhangNan is not well liked as AD because he doesn’t have any idea how to properly treat actors. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for any special pampering because as an actor I think I deserve it. All I’m referring to is simple time management. Usually the actor AD will do the best he can to reduce the waiting time on set as well as ensuring that the actors are quickly shuttled back to the hotel when they’re done for the day. ZhangNan is absolutely oblivious to these courtesies that are easy to carry out and would earn him browny points with all the actors. I’ve spoken to my agent, the director and the producer with the hopes of getting him to savvy up. My success has been minimal – the guy just doesn’t give a shit. Now when I learnt that the skin on ZhangNan’s elbow was peeling off because he got too close to a fire explosion, I was shocked at the carelessness of the technician and my heart went out to ZhangNan, the prick. My shock and sympathy, however, were alloyed with a soupcon of schadenfreude and I jokingly cursed the technician for his bad aim. Yeah, yeah, I’m not proud of it. The burn wasn’t that bad and it has healed up well enough. And in true Chinese fashion, ZhangNan didn’t miss a day of work. Gotta love that Chinese work ethic. This second accident on set, though, has left me rather worried about the competence of the technician. If it even is a lack of competence, perhaps he just has a few personal grudges. I’m wracking my brains for anything I may have said to offend him. From now on this dude is gonna get complements from me everyday. By the end of this shoot he’ll be convinced that his bone structure, singing voice, ass cheeks, dress sense, nose hairs whatever were all hand-picked by God. And that extra tomato I get with my lunch is going on his plate. I’ll trade vitamins for non-charred skin cells any day.Giving away my tomato at lunch worked like a charm – I’m unscathed!

Why Toilet Water Entourage?

The HBO show ‘Entourage’ is about the life of an up-and-coming Hollywood actor. If you’ve seen it, you will know what Vincent Chase and his boys get up to, what cars they drive, parties they frequent, girls they hang out with etc. In one episode he considers buying a $4 million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills, in another he’s dating Mandy Moore while acting in the new James Cameron movie, ‘Aquaman’. You get the picture. Now just before I headed off to the outskirts of Beijing to start shooting, I loaded up my computer with movies and TV shows for my viewing pleasure, Entourage being one them. On one particular afternoon I just happened to be watching the show when the maid came in to clean my room. My room, by the way, is very basic. We’re not staying in a hotel, but a courtyard. It has two small single beds, TV, squat toilet and a shower with such low water pressure that when I shower I first fill up a Tupperware container and then dunk it over my head usually adding hot water from the kettle if I want it hot. So what! This kind of setup is quite normal in China and if you can’t accept it then find another job. As I was saying, I’m lying on my bed watching Entourage and the maid is in the bathroom cleaning. I cast a cursory glance in her direction and notice that she’s mopping out my toilet. Then I’m back watching the Chase entourage cruise off to New York in a private jet. Finally I return to my world and watch the maid flush and then use the loo water to mop the bathroom floor. Vincent Chase and I might have the same job, but the contrast in our lifestyles was never as stark as in that ‘Toilet Water Entourage’ moment.Vincent Chase living his life

Finale

In the above memoir I’ve tried to capture the more amusing aspects of my recent experience shooting in China. Yes, it was frustrating at times but also fun, wild and utterly memorable. The people, as always, were awesome, the location stunning and the work experience indispensable. I love China and its unique way of doing things and I’m not sure I’d want it any other way. Apart from the mopping incident that is. That I can do without. You may be wondering what I said to the maid. Nothing. She had very kindly let me store my ‘Vintage Cheddar Cheese’ in the restaurant fridge and I was worried that if I criticized her and her mopping techniques she would take it out on my cheddar cheese.You can buy this great cheese at Jenny Lou’s