April is the Cruelest Month

The poet T.S. Eliot wrote, "April is the cruelest month." He did not lie. For fans of Leslie Cheung (Cheung Gwok Wing), Gor Gor (elder brother), April first will never again be what it was before April 1, 2003. That was the day on which Leslie Cheung committed suicide by jumping off the 24th floor of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Central District, Hong Kong. In the lives of his long-time fans, it was as if time stopped. For them, it was the day "the music died."  Prophetic, perhaps, as Leslie sang Don McLean's "American Pie" at the amateur singing contest that paved his entry into performing as a 20 year old, just returned from studying for 7 years in England. The year was 1977. Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNf8SIOgPms&feature=relatedPerhaps recognizing the significance of that song in his career, Leslie revived it for the Passion Tour in 2001. Today, for many in Hong Kong and greater Asia, April 1st is the day the music died.Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=za2tTYTnoRk&feature=relatedBut what does this day mean if you are a post-fan, that is someone who discovered Leslie after his tragic passing? Leslie was not part of your youth, adolescence or young adulthood. He was not someone you grew up watching on television series, in movies or attending his shows, whether in Hong Kong or when he was on tour. You didn't decorate your bedroom walls with his posters or wear out cassette tapes of his albums or VHS tapes of his movies and concerts. You never heard his songs on the radio or watched his movies in a movie theater. Until some time just recently, he was an unknown quantity or, at most, some Chinese actor who starred in that movie you were meaning to see, but never did. Yes, the movie about the Peking Opera performers, that one, Farewell something...One day, however, something grabbed your attention. It might have been a movie you were watching for another actor (I will thank Tony Leung Chiu-Wai to my dying day for paving the way for my discovery of Leslie Cheung).Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fg_QesIywGo&feature=fvwrelOr maybe it was a music video you stumbled across on YouTube while you were looking for something else.  Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaAqgYblKCYPerhaps it was a DVD a friend lent you. Whatever it was, there he was, there you were, and magic happened. Now you, too, had a before and an after in your life. First there was a before--this moment of sweet discovery--and then a horribly cruel after, when you learned that the most beautiful, talented and exciting human-being you had ever seen committed suicide in 2003.  Many, many post-fans that I have talked to in the 3 years I have been a fan share a common experience with me. We were so excited to discover Leslie. We were head-over-heels in love with this exquisite, beautiful, talented man. Then we read the ominous notice of his death. Most common was for tears to flow, bitter tears at the inherent unfairness of life that would create such an exquisite human-being, only to snatch him away from us in the prime of life. A few also mixed their tears with anger, wanting to find someone to blame for Leslie's death, for surely someone other than Leslie must be responsible for this terrible, destructive act.For a post-fan, April 1 is more a commemoration of this moment of bitter discovery than it is a commemoration of the actual death of Leslie Cheung in real time. But the pain, sadness and sense of desolation are no less real for being a personal rather than a communal memorial. Our tears are just as bitter, the pain in our hearts just as piercing:  but we know we cry as much for ourselves and our own sadness as for the beautiful man we can only ever love from beyond the grave.