thank u

Dear friends

Thank u so much for your concern and kind words. It really touched my heart to receive it, and undeservingly so too. I always see myself as a little blade of grass,a weed that grows out in the wild. I daren't think I'm a desert rose,but if there is an appropriate term it might be desert weed. It's not too bad being a weed either becos it means that I'm a survivor and that I'll manage even in the harshest of circumstances without nourishment and nurturing. In many ways I have had all thru my life.

Thank u.

Having said that,I'm a strong believer of all things positive and that everyday is a new day. And a new chapter will always bring the hope and belief that good things and tidings will happen to us all. There are rainbows,but u have to face the rain first and life is precious,so cherish everyday we have and the wonderful loved ones around us.:)

I don't believe in repressing and suppressing sadness. Let it out and then deal with it. After u do so,believe truly that things will get better. I always feel that my methods in the past were wrong. I hid my sadness and covered them with jokes and laughter, I know I always looked cheerful and happy because I didn't want people to know the actual truth but nowadays I don't deny this powerful emotion. Because sadness will add up and one day u will realize u are such a tragic figure that u won't even be able to do a thing because u're so heavy laden. I pray and give my load to the Lord and there is comfort knowing that for every event that happens,there is always an aftermath,perhaps in the way we react to situations,sometimes bad things can be constructive but to be fair,some of us can react badly and be destructive. I speak for myself that is.

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I'm a person who loves to love.:)

My parents divorced only 2 years ago,at such a late age so for many people this is bewildering. They always wonder why people would divorce when they are near 60,couldn't u just grit your teeth,settle your differences? Afterall u did for so many years previously. I often feel that this is a gray area because while people can always wonder,even I feel that their decision was one that was positive,aimming towards a future for happiness. We all want happiness don't we? So maybe for some people,tolerance and endurance may be executed in such a way that they decide that it is better to start afresh. And so with that I rationalize the failings of an example before me.

But if u ask me what my idea of marriage is,it is always too utopian,too silly and almost unreal. I'm a dreamer,of cos everything I desire will always hover on this surreal plane,almost like a Wonderland where everyone is always reaching towards the good. I used to be jaded becos my heart was full of fear. And since I was a little girl,my shrewd mum has always indoctrinated in me the idea of cynicism. To be wary and cautious,becos everyone, anyone will/might cheat u. This strange advice took it it unnatural toll on me. Becos the truth is to live like this, I felt very tired and had to grow up very quickly. I refuted this statement early becos I was still pretty much the wide eyed, curious cad I was and yet this reminder never left the back of my mind.

Reading Wendy's blog brings about a wry,almost knowing smile to my face. That's becos I had a similar experience and it also affected me exactly in that same way,and in that exact way,I still have an invisible portal in my brain somehow to recall the stinging nostalgia that existed. I suppose from an artistic point of view, we can never shrug these bits of nostalgia completely like some people (I admire) becos they are also fodder for our inspirations. Muse indeed.

U know I sometimes have alot of questions in my head. What are the odds? Seriously,what? How and why do people emote and how do u know if u've found true love?

I wonder about this becos sometimes in our myopic world and thinking,we are led to believe that there is this fate,this kismet that controls us,and lets us meet people. I've seen people dating their colleagues becos they say well,they meet everyday, somehow they decided they just became more fond of each other. Is it love then I ask? " Not sure" comes the reply sometimes or "Maybe,but I'm working on it." or "I think so!" And then there is the church thing. Some only gravitate towards their own from the same church and maybe hemisphere such as school,class. Do u ever wonder if your true love is actually somewhere,in another part of the planet lurking in the streets,bushes (j/k) ,er,just LURKING? Sorry,in my excitment,I made the true love sound like a true pervert indeed,my bad my bad. Well u know what I mean.

I used to wonder if this person that was supposed to be meant for me existed. Friends say,to stop wondering and choose from the heroic people who are trying to win your heart. I say heroic becos I am stone cold-miss steve austin, according to my friends. It isn't true though,but they aren't wrong either. I know there was this chap who had a thing for me for 9 years and counting. In all his previous relationships,he told me he tried to find traces of me in those girls. It was weird and disturbing. He would look for the long hair,or the eyes or something very characteristic of me that reminded him,for example in the way I widened my eyes and gasped whenever I'm listening intently. Afterwards when he found me on facebook,after we lost contact,he told me he broke down and cried that night. And I was like why?

He said he finally had closure. He said he looked for me like a maniac in those years and when he could not find me,he tried to in other ways from other people. And when he did find me,he didn't know what to say. Except that for the last few years it had been tough for him becos he felt this stab of pain in his heart and he told me,I was that stab. U know it made me feel very very sorry. I didn't know what to say,so I just said sorry. Which on afterthought is quite idiotic. But honestly,I hadn't imagined I would have this much impact on another person and I remember when I first met him,we were just good friends. Yes he did tell me about how he felt,but like I said stone cold steve austin. Hence like an immovable boulder I was this crazy mountain that stood there without feeling. Sometimes u just can't force it.

Later when I did date other people (yes I'm normal too) my mother's nagging reminder rang as a huge warning signal in my head. I always felt that I could never be entirely open in emoting,I always had this cautionary thing going off in the back of my head. Like a wall,so, finally when someone I treasured fell apart becos of this I decided I would never be that ironwalled maiden again. Si Song,an award winning composer and Stephanie Sun's creator told me once that I must learn to fall in love. He told me that all his motivations came from the way he felt and his muses were people he went out with or somewhat loved.

Well,I shall admit my little secret to u guys. I never liked talking about love. Well it is fine to say I love to love,becos that love is a universal love for people,animals,the environment and lla,friends. I just cannot single out the romantic love I'm supposed to have and talk about it like it affects me. The reasoning is clear. I have a phobia somewhat and I wonder if for the rest of my life I am going to watch people flock by and leave happily with their soulmates,while I just spin off bouts of emotion bumping off them and write about them in poetry and song. It's sad isn't it? There isn't a need to rush,in my perspective,but I wonder if I really need to change my mindset. In the past I met 3 people who told me "u r the one for me" and they said it in such a way that I knew wasn't a farce. I kne w they were dead serious but I also felt somewhat doubtful, and recently I met a new friend and he told me this.

I was a little taken aback. And I explained to him what I just said in the above and how I have all these flaws becos I have walls and I really am difficult,very difficult to deconstruct. But he just smiled and say "I don't need anything from u,it would be great of cos to be reciprocated but I accept u for not reciprocating as well."

What's my point? I don't think I have one. Maybe just incredulousness. My previous r/nship lasted 5 years. Becos of that stupid promise or vow I made not to put up a wall,I really got burnt. I am extreme. I can't help being extreme,when I do something it's either or not. That r/nship was too intense and until now it is still clear that the external factors around us caused us too many glitches and always will so it has to be goodbye. I could not imagine the rest of my life being imprisoned in such sadness. I also thought I found my soulmate but when I thought about it later I realized I did not.

Even though it was music that drew us together,and music that got us chatting on similar things,we were different in every aspect. But u see,I guess I thought finding another person as like minded in a big big world was incredible,but when u do step into the music industry,suddenly u are surrounded by almost every single person with the same line of thought. That is when the differences started to scream. I stayed on in that r/nship despite alot of problems. I guess this person led a charmed life and I had had it rough so later I questioned so many of the things I had strived for and worked hard to earn them,he had them served to him on a plattar,it grew to increase my ire. It was difficult also for me,(similar to what Wendy went thru) that this person had shared his views and artistic interests and visions with me only to head straight on in the opposite direction into the industry. I still don't quite understand but maybe I never will. I once questioned the ideas of integrity and dignity behind every decision a person makes but now I suppose everyone has their side of the story and what may be deemed as a deed with "dignity" to me may differ in standards to another person. In any case I miss the days prior, and the really happy times shared in talking about simple things like music,movies and sports. This person told me that he always looked up to me in a sense becos altho he was older,I was deft in decision making. I wasn't the sort that would say "anything" nor wait 10 years before deciding what to eat or wear. I am erm snappy and quick and he mostly relied on me to decide everything. Until I got irate that was.

I don't know if I will ever feel so strongly for another human being,becos for this person I took down my difficult walls and allowed him to be the muse in my wriitng and songs. I forgot to ask Si Song what happens afterwards when u break up,and how those songs are nagging reminders! My manager says like anyone would,that overtime I won't see them as anything but just songs. Erm,I think he forgets why he is able to think in such a straight line and I don't.:)

Anyways,just some musings and thoughts that flit thru my head in emotional times. One thing for sure,I really love art,I really love performance. I have to put all the deep feelings I possess,whether it be deep sadness or sheer happiness and excitment into the works and make them glow. And that is what it is all about eventually. But then of cos in my dark moments like the day before,if I had someone who would reassure me that it is alright,maybe I would have not felt so sad.:)

Thank u all again for your care and concern.