Small or Small?

Someone once said,there are no small roles,only small actors. How apt. In the life we live in,every one of us play a character, do u think u are one with a small role,that no one cares about? Or are u one who is a small actor?

'The world is a stage.'

I know every one of us has our own fears,insecurities and selfish anal traits. We may not like others to know the "real" badass us and we choose to exhibit the nice,polished exterior to them so as to fit into this huge unit,called society.

When I was young and growing up,I came to witness this thing known as Asian Modesty. Now u know how asian parents,especially traditional ones will NEVER praise their own kids? They would say "oh wow,your child is so talented,your child is so special compared to mine!" and gush all day at their friends or neighbours' children? Me,my mum sufficiently convinced me with little effort that everybody was smarter,cuter,prettier than me. It was like the Joy Luck Club and I definitely was not playing Waverly. I was like June who would pick the crab with a broken leg.:) If u knew the story u will know what I am talking about. The coincedence in this is that I did a play version of the movie and I played June's mum back then.

The Asian Modesty has a history attached to it did u know? Ever wondered why parents have to praise other kids? It's not just humility,and also not a false attempt at sincerity either. It stamped from the early origins when the Chinese used to be so afraid when their kids died from various chronic diseases. Being susceptible to bad environmental conditions,these superstitious people chose to believe it was the spirits who wanted to steal their young. They,the spirits knew their kids were wonderful additions prolonging their family lineage and were envious,so the early Asians believed they had to speak ill of their kids to avoid attention drawn towards their own. In this way,they had to choose to praise others as a code of good manners and to "distract" the spirits.

Anyways,because of this,I grew up feeling very very awkward whenever people said a nice word. If u said something nice about me, I would be tempted to disagree because agreeing meant I had no humility. That was really how I felt. In a way it spawned a new innate fear,or insecurity and being fiercely competitive. The need to not lose was so strong and it created an obsession to win. Because I really did not want to be that "less of a person" I gre to believe I was (after all the indoctrination) I fiercely believed I HAD to earn everything from scratch. And I had to HOLD on to whatever talents or skills I had. I became that "small" actor,small person I was talking about. But after these ensuing years,and a spate of events that made me grow up, I realized it was perfectly ok to love yourself and to live in the light knowing u are the bomb and u can be a blessing to other people.

Liberation. I no longer feel it necessary to deny compliments or to dish false modesty. If u told me sincerely that u liked my hair now,I will say "Thank u! I don't do much to it,but I like it too!" In the past this was never possible. Because I always felt it would be very impolite.

Yet,I live slightly with a different set of rules now. I learnt to really love myself. I used to think people who were happy were nice and down to earth and they could exude an air of pure genuine sincerity because they were able to really extend their humility from inside to the rest of the world. But in my liberated state, I discovered it was just quite the opposite. U can acknowledge how wonderfully and beautifully made u were as a person and become someone with balance,with security,such that humility will naturally arrive because U don't need to "want" to be that somebody your friend is. As a fragile human being,we all want to live like lords and kings and being treated as such. But after all the hurdles and knocks we get from life's lessons,I came to the understanding that ultimately I do want to reach for the things I envisioned and I will because I can. When people think they are being safe when they "don't put too much heart and hope" into things,they are wrong. U will almost ALWAYS still want that something in that same way,it is just a lie to think u feel safe when U don't hope too much. U will live to that false prophecy that u might NOT get that goal,and that something might happen,Murphy's Law or that u MAY not be good enough.

Those aren't healthy,nor safe,they are just silly curses and yokes. Positivity goes a long way,but being negative makes a person tired and grumpy so easily. And what about those who just don't get it and aim to bring u down?Once u've reached the healthy level of being in charge of yourself,U will not feel judged nor negatively. The people will always exist,but they will also come and go. Only U will be there to be responsible for your own life.

There are people who will feel eternally that small roles are nothing. But everybody knows Judi Dench won Best Supporting Actress for her less than 8 min screentime role as the Queen in Shakespeare in Love. Hence,everytime I tell myself now to cherish the good things,the opportunities people are giving or have had given me. When times are bad I remind myself to not become a grumpy "small" actor, no matter what, the energy I exude is a choice I consciously have to decide if I want myself to have a good day or not.

I guess Im reflecting on some thoughts I used to have. I wondered,questioned and wished alot back then. And now everyday is great because I have understood that it is my choice to want to be positive. I have been thanking God everyday for the blessings I have been given and wow,even though I may feel sick and unhealthy sometimes, my mood is still light and great.

I had a fruitful week,the last week. Thank U God for letting the little girl who hides behind a dream glow.