Psychological bargains

Recently I stifled a chuckle when some friends remarked wryly that I've been sounding a little more religious in my blogs and updates. They had this slightly impish twinkle in their eyes as though to poke and make a jibe at my sudden "fervour".

I told them it was no "fervour" and not "sudden".

The truth is even as I used to like releasing my angst or pent up feelings in art forms, such as writing edgy poetry or proses, I am like everyone else craving for happiness and peace. Hence after I've found it, and the void's been filled, naturally you know, I would erm, sort of tell the truth in its plainest form. I'm humming and hawing because I think I am slightly embarassed to look like a Miss Holy wannabe but I am not ashamed to tell it as it is. I had a void in my heart for years and my breakthrough was really giving it all up to God. You see, although I've been introduced to this whole God-concept since young,( I call it that, to show you my previous mindset) I was always the "I know who God is, but I did not exactly know God" like I should have. It can be superficial to live closeby but never more than skimming the surface. And hence my conclusion is I ain't some religious holier -than -thou wannabe. I'm only sharing with you my humble opinions and experiences that made me in sync with the Spirit rather than going all philosophical about the seven deadly sins or ten commandments.

I also think God would look perturbed if I suddenly tried to turn into a holy joe. So, I'm not trying and hence it is as it is.

I used to have a very warped mind. Don't mind me, but I still think I kindda do, old habits die hard you see. However, it was way warp-er. If there was such a sweet word. You see, I had this strange idea that I could make bargains and transactions with God. I used to pray to Him, pleading till the cows went home that if I did not get caught by mum playing archade games while playing truant at tuition I'd be such a sweet pea and do my homework properly and turn into the widest eyed angel ever. Didn't work. I never turned into an angel, nor did my homework. I got caught and flogged mercilessly by mum, the lawmaker and thrown into mummy-hell. In mummy-hell, a prison where I frequented largely, I was often on death row. In fact I must have had died so many times in that lonely prison, I forgot to ask why my brother almost never got to be an inmate. I was getting too lonely being imprisoned!

Actually, when I used to pray in the past for protection I always made a strange bargain with God. I asked Him to please bless an area of my life and in return I would give up something. I remember how I asked God to please save mum when I was 8 and she had breast cancer.

"Make her better God" I had feverishly prayed. And in return I was willing to exchange whatever years I had in front of me to be "transferred" to mum. I prayed a similar prayer years later when somebody I loved had an accident on the road. I was in such shock. I only knew I was so frantic my prayer was roughly the same.

I was making a bargain with God again, always using my life like some kind of transaction. It never dawned upon me that God wasn't interested in shortening my life but He was just wanting to bless me. It never dawned on me that I did not have to exchange anything to be blessed.

That was why for years, whenever something good happened to me, I wondered what I had to give up to enjoy the "goodness". I believed in my imbecile way that I deserved good only because I was going to lose something somehow.

How lovely to know I had such a warped mind and it is all over. I'm only really living it up naturally for the first time.

Well now that I'm all peaches and cream, maybe all my poetry will turn bubbly and happy as a lark sorta genre. I'd be sugar and spice and all things nice!

Alright, and then again maybe not. Since you know I'm not one to mask acidity. Oh come on, you gotta let a girl throw her sacarsm bountifully even if she doesn't throw her weight around!

That day a few years ago in LA when the boy I went out with got into a bit of an accident on the road, he rung me up ( I was in LA too) and said he JUST got into an accident and was getting all dizzy. And later he told me he lost consciousness for a little while. What he did not know then was my heart almost stopped. Actually I think it did. That's why I'm operating on this HEART-l-e-s-s level now and then. I was so afraid he would turn into a vegetating cyborg or Ultraman. Anyway, I was really afraid I'd have lost him then, I told God I'd rather it was me and thereby made the same sick bargained prayer. If he was alright, dear God, I had charged, I was willling to sever my life or even whatever happiness I was supposed to enjoy in the later years of my life.

That was one crazy feather brain I had. Life was not a transaction and God wasn't a loan shark. I was psychologically shortchanging myself before I had really ever lived. I am glad that the inherent lack of selfworth causing all the weird ideas I had was gone. Truly when you've really experienced such genuine happiness and peace, suddenly, you feel, wow, I do have alot.

Therefore I've learnt to pray properly now. God is healing mum of her cancers and her weak heart and I don't have to think crazily to absorb her illnesses for her to get well. How mistaken I was to think God is so weak to demand something from me.:)