patience

t gets terribly confusing at times and very trying. I honestly cannot really justify myself as much as I would like to.

Guilty guilty guilty. As charged.

She was/ is sick and extremely volatile, but she has never ever been that easy to get along with anyways. Yet, I fell for it. The inability to be more tolerant, more patient, more understanding, more compassionate, less reactive, less angry, less volatile led me on a path of curt, caustic retorts.

You see, not just am I splitting image of my mother, I resemble her in other areas. It is almost like a leaf out of another cheesy chick flick movie or another greek tragedy. The mother-daughter tirade.

And almost as automatic as always I feel deep remorse, guilt and sorry for having retaliated.

I was devastated when she said I caused her to become ill. Amongst many things which I have been responsible for, and cancer being my specialty, I supposed 9/11 was my fault too as well as the forest fires in California, the problems of global warming or human trafficking. Yeah right, I wish I was THAT important.

But I know deep down those were taboo lines that had been crossed. It would sink deep heavily into my soul every time I thought of my mother suffering, or her being in pain. I would cringe just knowing it was me who might have erected the memory of irritation,hurt or annoyance to some level that had ledl to her stress in turn leading to her writhing in pain. At times like these, I want to take a cold shower and breathe in logic. I have to be calm to deal with problems especially since people who are sick have every right to be grumpy or unhappy.

But every choice not to be too. I just have to try harder.

Close your eyes. Pray. Breathe to the calmness and peace within your soul. No matter how tough it is to swallow your pride, it can be done. Your positivity will cheer her up, not your anger.

I know at the very core, she was elated for the things that I had worked for. I know that no matter what she was always on my side not against me. I know it would really sadden her if I stopped talking to her. I know I have to dig deep to find genuine sincerity to communicate again. I know I need to improve on being an improvement.

I need to be more patient.

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."

-Victor Hugo