Newness.

Unpacking boxes and boxes of things and organizing my new place is an uphill task. It has been crazy :( I also realized that I really have WAY too much clothes. Lots of clothes, lots. Of course the act of rummaging and going thru things mean I rediscover those memories. The other day he came by my house because he wanted to pass me my clothes and some things, including my old tapes and scrīpts. While packing those items into boxes I realized I was packing my old me into them too. I saw this big stuff toy he got me once. U know, I'm not a stuffed toy or cutsy kind of girl. I find them cute in a cute way but I am more into art, paintings and pottery. Of course my arthouse films and music. But looking at the stuffed toy I remembered how he won them for me at a carnival. And the first Christmas tree we fixed and cards, letters and songs. He had dedicated alot of songs to me. Once he went to Aus for a recording and everyday he called me reminding me how much he missed me. During my university exams, he used to sing to me on the phone whenever he was away. Otherwise I always had trouble sleeping. Thinking back, I feel this mixture of bittersweet. Where and how did we go wrong? We used to talk marvelously about everything and anything under the sun and he felt I was such a dude that it became a joke between us that I was really a dude who had a girl's face.Omg my favorite player is Tracy Mcgrady and so is his.We were fans of musical theatre and I am a big fan of opera and soul, rock and indie rock. We could eat at the same places 5 times a week and not be bored. And if we went to karaoke we were never afraid of opening our lungs and singing our heart out. I was always joking around with the 80s cheesy ballads and the Taiwanese traditional music. I suppose all these amounted to nothing when I realized he had somehow changed. It's like I lost him at sea and the sirens stole him with their mystical eerie music. It's like the oceans swallowed me whole when they threatened to take my last breath and he felt blank and helpless watching me struggle on the brink of life and death. It's as though I wasn't allowed to give my heart away or I would be punished. And as I tried to wrangle my way back I realized I lost my way, or rather he did.The other day he hugged me and cried hard. Yesterday he said to give him another chance. Nobody knew him better than I did and he said I was his best friend. I watched him cry, his eyes filled with the redness of blood, red like passion and passion was what had brought our kindred hearts together. Passion for performing, and passion for life. The enthusiasm for living everyday in a world of jaded people who scoffed. Let them scoff and let us laugh and smile our pearly smiles. Except misery loves company. I faded into the amalgamation of this masterpiece as love stung me with her giant pitchfork. Cupid wounded me with his arrow.I watched the sky from my new window and I couldn't see it well. It's a different sky, a different picture now. U know how some people liked asking who changed first in a relationship gone wrong? That really isn't the point. The point is not about being the same, sometimes it is inevitable. It is not about being different. Without such expectations of each other we probably would not have loved as hard or loved as much.I don't know if I can really still be best friends. But I know I have too many things to catch up on. I suppose it is still 'better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all'. The thing is most people cannot see that at once and they revel like I did in the hurt. And grow numb again afterwards. I probably was numb for a while u know. :) But then how nice to know I'm really growing as a person that I can see how these things are just events, not conclusions.Let's all work hard my dear friends, and enjoy the beauty of Christmas. These carols that play make me happy. I wish everyday was Christmas.:)