My thoughts after your song Anton.

Inspired by Anton Wong's awesome track: Lovesong, I decided to write something.

" .....are u having fun? would u be so gentle, so everything's less painful?"

What is pain to u? Do u know what pain is? Of course u do,we all do. Even a 5 yr old knows. Just watch him trip over his rubber ducky and hit the sides of his Little Tikes toy motor/car/cycle and u'll hear a continued trail of pure, sheer expression of torture. Of wailing, or howling of screeching. Trust me u and I have done it all and STILL continue to thrive today. In this world we live in, everybody reacts to pain. It's probably the most familiar sensation going on, being feared for, and sometimes trying to shield from it. Of course we have the oddballs who go looking for it,yet u can't call them oddballs because u and I probably did one of those zany things or want to once.

Are u thinking SM?(sado masochism?) Get out! Who has not,does not? If U think we limit SM to a displaced group of "other-ed" people,people who love to get it on with chains and whips, then u're quite wrong. We, as humans do look for pain sometimes when we cannot find it. Pain is not necessarily the enemy. I'm sure u know this. People who get into accidents and lose their sensations FEAR not experiencing pain ever again. That is physical pain. People sometimes who meet with tragedies,lose a loved one go through an emotional blank called numbness. They slap themselves silly but still feel nothing. Familiar with emptiness?Pain becomes a welcoming bellow there. It becomes a harbinger of reality. To not feel is indescribable, because I cannot tell u how "numb", "emptiness" feels when it's an assembly of "nothingness". I sat in the dark during my depression previously and just watched the shadows dance as the blinds and curtains move. Everything was empty and still. The clock ticks,u know life is going on because your neighbours laugh,speak and children with their basketballs, clapping and tapping are around and about. U feel like u almost don't exist when everyone IS existing. U feel like a vacumn of space, in excess as u meander without a tinge of  sensation throughout this dimension. Know what I mean? Some guys who go through the middleaged crisis will tell u,they don't know what/why they feel displaced. They just feel pent up,and frustrated. In a way artists who have music,acting and other crafts are lucky, because we lose ourselves to try to find ourselves. That's life. Take two steps back in order for that huge sprint ahead.

"...would u be so gentle so everything's less painful?"

Would it actually be easier if we get pain in a more tolerable form? Or in advance? U know, mostly when one doesn't know when one is about to be struck--- like this terrible quake that's hurt Sichuan. Nobody would have guessed about the impact it could have done. U can say ther are experts who can fortell these things, so it's an advanced pre awareness to pain. But u can never truly understand the surprise/ repercussions some of these attacks can bring. Natural disasters,accidents ect ect will always be the leader of deep, turbulent shock factors. Many of these things lead to wells of emotional distress and pain. I think it's better to feel the pain earlier than be in the mortified till numb,bland and silent shock. Pain becomes almost a buddy than a person with "nothing-ness".

That is the difference between lust and love I guess. There are so many people in this world. U can be attracted to a hundred people. Or the combination pre-conceived in your heads could have led u to be drawn towards potential subjects, but how do we know who is the right person for us? Most people will say, Oh yes, they will know when the time comes. Do u then know when the right person becomes not-so-right? Because of the forgotten isolated idea of change. Not just the other people,but us too. There isn't a fixed variable,only time is. Time doesn't surprise us,because it just goes on. Everything else can be subject to change. I once wondered about the idea of attraction. What exactly is that? I know I am super attracted to certain colours, certain motiffs,certain senses. The easiest example to illustrate this is by using movies. I am in love with art house movies. Yes most of u probably are since art flows in your royal blue veins.:) But within arthouse movies,I am even more drawn or attracted towards a certain genre. Take a movie like Mulholland Drive,it's derived so many comments because some guys just love it,some detest or pan it because they don't get it and they don't want to search to get it. Or they feel they don't need to want to "get it" and rather watch a less gruelling box office hit like The Mummy which is direct,obvious and plain. U cannot say these guys are wrong or more distasteful. We are just all  made differently. But u cannot say an arthouse fan will not get along with a typical box office fan too. Because like I said people change. And interaction overtime can actually interest a box office magnet to not LOVE but slowly accept art house.

I used to think I would only date people much older. I thought, gee,I am an old soul. Could not possibly tolerate a twit who's going to stall me and hold me up. But I ate my words,minced it all by being with someone who was 1 month older than me and just about the most unlikely person I would ever be drawn towards. That experience taught me alot. It taught me the classic mission statement in Lethal Weapon: Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. Yes I know it's not "foul" but something more vulgar,but hey,we're civil here, so let's call it foul! So yes,I was a product of my own assumptions, and one of those Never say Never casualties. Life is ironic in that sense but not without reason. When things that happen unexpectedly it teaches us and grills us to become wiser and richer beings. I realized I was drawn towards the other party's view towards the world. It was clearly less skeptical,less jaded than my own. I was drawn towards the pureness of the naivety,it had an inspired sense of hope and wonder in it. I realized I had secretly wanted to feel that hope for so long and lose the cynicism so I discovered myself gravitating towards the other party. Likewise the other party was bewildered by my abyss of dark thoughts. No, not all dark. Because I do have a barrel of optimism or else I would not have WANTED it. These are what u call repressions. But yes, eventually sometimes when u think u have it figured out,change takes us out of our intelligent supposition that life will be more peachy and rosy, it tips us off the balance when we realize,wait,something's not right anymore. So yes,if u've read my previous post,the soulmate, became not so much the soulmate anymore.

And that is why jobs get changed. Breakups happen,divorces happen,marriages happen. It's not necessarily all negative, change is universal and neutral. U might say U detest the events,such as a company lay-off but later when that led u to a greater,green pasture,U realise,change was needed to get u moving. How about relationships? How do u know then when u meet people if they are meant for u? Someone told me once he didn't know what love was,but knew what lust was. So at least he knew one of the two,it might be easier he said. I thought I knew what love was because I knew I didn't have to serial date 100 people to find out what qualities I am attracted to. I guess it is that magical quality u feel when u get an intense connection with another human being, and then u feel in your veins like u have known each other for a very long time as if wow,finally u've found an answer to your gaping hole of cynide emptiness.

Wait,if so then,why over time,routine becomes a stumbling block and your ardent protests that no,it wasn't novelty, it was true love becomes silenced as time kicks by and u realize, crap that it really was happening to u too. That your eternal flame was running a risk of snuffing because the strange alien,that asswipe of "nothing-ness" was on your tracks again. Of course other factors such as fear,inhibitions anger,envy stir the cauldron to its saturation until by some strange mix of time and misunderstandings, u reach stage:immune blankness; a few levels before "nothing-ness" sets in.

Is there a "gentler" way of dealing with ,no dishing pain to others,so it will hurt less? Believe it or not,there is. Everyone does it differently,some construct walls,walls and more walls to protect themselves. Some feel that they have had so much pain,nothing can touch them. It is ok to come with flamming arrows,they rather experience the firsthand pain than live with blandness and emptiness. I think I just have one thing,and that is awareness. Now that I'm more familiar with my strengths and weaknesses I understand that life is not about fairness or unfairness, so if things real bad happen,smile and know, it means something good is waiting to emerge. If u can't help hurting others and yourself,then do something good when u have the chance to. It's not for any exhibition purposes,but it'd affect u on levels deeper than anything, and that is real therapy.