Moved and moved on.

There is something extra therapeutic about moving to a new apartment and doing it up. As I was putting on new bedsheets, I thought to myself, about how much better I wish I could change them. I always feel that changing bedsheets is the one thing I detest most. I hate how u have to put it at the corner only to loosen the other corner and then realize that it's all untidy and the sides are at the wrong places. I realized how impatient I can be and that sometimes it may look neat and pretty veiling an obvious chaotic mess beneath. I guess I am the best personification of that analogy. While spending this period preparing songs for my new demo and doing soulsearching, I came to an understanding, which was more of self analysis than anything else.

I was really sad for a long time u know.

I asked him, the ex, why he betrayed my trust. With violent sobs he choked that he had not meant to. It was because I was sick and he felt helpless. To the point of guilt and then he said, he looked for distractions. Of course I was the only person that mattered he said.I don't know how bewildered I felt, or confused. And sorry that I had fallen sick and became a liability. Well, u know what they say. U should have seen it coming. 5 years of one's life. I had almost grown up with him. But I also understood that there is a perfect reason for everything. I also discovered that slowly, my feelings had grown dull and wan. That the surge of overwhelming love and adrenaline in the beginning was something registered strongly and firmly in my head. And after I cried it all, I became quiet. really quiet and reflective, until I realized the calm and equilibrium I needed, the solace in peace would bring me to balance. And that was/is when I realized that one should only understand what lettihg go meant when one releases all expectations. In the first place, nobody said words were eternal. Uttered, spoken, written, felt, they were but text and meaning significant for that moment. And preserving it in that integrity should not require one to be accountable for having uttered those words. Or else divorce would never be granted.

While preparing songs for this new demo, I dug hard and deep and there is an almost ethereal feel, like an epiphany. This understanding that obstacles and struggles in life were perfectly fair because they appeared for perfect reasons. I now realized that during those days when I had been faint and in pallor, I was always alone and scared. Pride prevented me from talking to anyone and so only he knew. Pressure was hence unduly heavy on him. There was the beginning when he feared how I would just die suddenly if I passed out again and again. We went to many doctors, and they all said the same thing. Weak heart, and fragile girl, almost seem to fly just by a tap. And I guess I felt I was too much of a burden, I became that burden. And then it became less and less robust, the colour ran out. The r/nship became reduced to a clear "family" sort of affection. I guess I saw it first and with my heart in my stomach I prayed feverishly for things to be alright again, like before. But it can never be like before. Because we can never undo the past. It is thus fair to say that we ultimately reached the end of our chemistry and "destiny" we had with each other. Kismet, like how I like to put it.

Being single is fun. I really like the little joys involved despite the occasional bout of loneliness. I had almost forgotten how much I had adored adventure sports like bungee jumping and thrill rides. Even scary movies and arthouse. He had always been unable to understand why I love/loved arthouse. I don't think he hated it, he just felt it was slow like everybody else. Being single makes u notice alot of things U previously may not have. I guess it was because my attention was always divided, and now just boom! everything in my face.

And chess.

I love playing chess. In truth I am more of a nerd than anything. A nerd that likes sports, always on the run, adrenaline pumping. I suppose when u've been told that u're physically weaker than everyone, the rebellious need to prove yourself and everyone wrong would arise. And perhaps that is why. It's funny, I've been playing alot of chess lately. With my Godsister's 6 year old, with the computer and also watching my foreign films and arthouse. Previously I forgot how much I loved these things. I dropped into this solitary confinement when I got sicker and sicker the last few months. Mainly because something in me was snapping. I think subconsciously I started to crack because I felt that I was unproductive and keeping people waiting for me. People who had faith in my music and acting. And now I realize, hey, I'm still good to go. Better than ever actually. :)

Sometimes u need to break something to reshape it the right way. And I certainly feel that I'm made anew now.

A friend asked me recently if I would consider dating him. He said it in this half serious mode and I laughed it off because I knew he was just being sweet. Somehow when u walk out of a r/nship as long as 5 years, it feels like a marriage, over that is.I don't think I would want to be in a relationship for a long while. I am just excited that I have found myself once again and recognized those quirky eyes I have when I laugh. And now I just want to go climb mountains, hike, play tennis, squash, run run run like I've never ran before!