In Trying Moments

I was crying one day because I met with an unpleasant incident over here and I called this dear friend of mine in Shanghai. He is one of those friends I have had whom I hardly see in a long time but I keep dear to my heart. This friend, is somebody who has such a pure heart and I feel everytime I talk to him,it was as though the distance never mattered. His younger bro is as diff from him as day is to night and I love them both. I think if U guys are reading this,U know who U are. I just wanted to say U are in my thoughts and sometimes I would be doing something and an incident or an object would remind me of U and I would miss U both. Isn't it amazing how some friends who are not close in proximity are just so reliable whenever and wherever they are?

Im lucky in that I have people like that. Another character is Mr Y who calls me from time to time after odd hours at 430am in the morning after he goes back from partying,knowing fully well I'd be awake still.Why? Because I have had insomnia for a few years now due to the depression. I cannot sleep more than 2 hours at a stretch and I always feel unsafe and scared. I think after SHE had cost me to lose that deal I just sort of became nuts :) literally,and even in my sleep I feel the repressed anguish brimming in me. I have not felt safe for a long long time. I have a small wish,and that is to sleep like a baby one day with peace of heart and mind.No more fitful and tumultous dreams of scary people, no more,no more. Sometimes when something good happens to me,I start wondering if it was real. I would feel petrified in that way as if I were to lose it quickly if I were just to blink or not concentrate hard enough. I guess,I became freaky after an accumulated loss of trust issues. But,having said that my mentor J told me that this was no one's fault. Trust,she says,is "earned not given."

I did not feel well just now,but I have to be well soon. I told the "angel" I would be perfectly fine soon enough and I hope I don't let her down.I must get well soon.Mentally and physically. No depression is going to get me down, Im a survivor!