Here's Looking At U kid.

    I woke up with a smile this morning. Although it was cold, I scrambled out of bed and ran outside onto my huge balcony (which is essentially rather old sch, and can hold many future parties and bbqs to come) and breathed a breath of fresh air. I'll make myself happy everyday by doing everything with twice the optimism and energy,that way I won't be depressed nor be pulled downwards by unnecessary negativity! Immediately when I said that outloud,it began to drizzle and rain! Nevermind,I take it as showers of agreement and blessings, thank U God!

Yesterday my bro called me,he said he wanted to visit me! How nice!He asked me how the new place looked and when I explained that it had a hugeass balcony and was all old sch with my house being the top level,he asked with a little excitment if it resembled one of those kickass scenes in Hk movies where they had drinks and talked all day on the roof.I said YES! Bro said maybe we could even go to Hk, or Sh together, becos we had never travelled together yet! How exciting, an excursion with my bro! The dude who used to break my erasers into 2 and laughed in my face. The mad lad who used to trick me to telling people that being a "fool" meant being "smart". He would say "Look Lydia go tell everybody U want to be a champion, the other word for champion is F-O-O-L. Say it with me,U are a FOOL." And me with my ever trusting dumbass brain,would believe him out of the goodness of my heart. I think it is a universal legend that I was the happy mofo that went ard declaring my stupid moto. My brother is also unbashfull in my presence constantly proclaiming his genius to me. "U know that I am smarter than U 100 times right???" came the thunderous voice. And he would say "So,as a means of reward U may hold my badminton racket for 2hrs, but get me a glass of water first."

These days I credit my tongue in cheek retorts back to my bro. If I hadn't been trained that early I doubt I would have been so quick with my sacarsm! What he didn't teach me was that I should stand up to my aggressors. When people said horrible things to me in my face, I would just stand there and look shocked, and with my gaping mouth wide open. Stamped with the word "loser" on my face I would hang my head low, go home and bawl. It still happens, I don't know why I just have to be a people pleaser. I hate it really, intrinsically I just want to say to that numbnut who threatened me that she/he was a witch from hell and should sear and burn till the cows went home. Or be brutally sliced apart by Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. YES. THAT. Sometimes I feel I identify with her character so much. I am the mother of all repressed anger and scrounged into an enormous ball of fire.

If U unscrolled me I think I would fill all of planet Jupiter with my repressed anger. I remember the doctor asked me if I was too stressed lately or too emotional and he prescribed me stabilizers which I threw away later. I had not wanted to rely on medication and decided to concentrate on having my willpower to take me through this. It did many times in the past.

I have not had a seizure for 2 days.:)