Falling and getting up

When I was in primary school I used to be healthy,really healthy and I jumped ard like a mad nut. I used to be this hyperactive unstoppable energy and I was curious about the world. When I reached secondary school, I started feeling sick during Physical Education lessons. I don't know why but I started having fainting spells. When I was in Junior College,I was sent in an ambulance to the hospital at least 4 times. I joked with my friend then that I travelled in an ambulance so often I felt I was way cooler than everyone else. It got to a point that even when I had my first performance on stage in a dance-si-cal GREASE! in JC that I passed out during the technical rehearsals. I remember my favourite teacher Mrs Creffield telling me that I was a strong girl and no matter how bad my health was,she thought I had something bright and shinny in me that came across as a strength. I don't know if she was consoling me,but it made me believe and have faith. I was grateful to her ALOT. I felt that she made a difference to my life. As did alot of other special pple.

I did not have a seizure today. Yet. But my bro and mum have asked me umpteen times to go home. Isn't it unfair?If I left now, would I not have laboured in vain? Would I not have fought to make my passions live in vain? Serene, U are one of people out there who have laughed and giggled with me from teenage years. We went to parties,we went and tried to form a crazy girlband,we went to all sorts of trouble with the Principal after our tryst with the school telephone! We even called Perfect 10 together!!!:) Serene,U and Jules,my other favourite hunny,and I had our first hitchhiking fiasco,that scared us to bits because U guys thought we were gg to be sold off and maimed or something. Serene,I called u Soully aka Soul-mate. I was so happy to know U were getting married. I was flying to see U, an U know how much U mean to me. It has always been funny every memory of U.

Im tearing I admit as I write this.

I never loved myself, not once. I wished and prayed to God since young I would die early. I guess I did it wrongly,I wasn't really praying to God but wishing heaps of curses on myself. I didn't have a happy childhood,but neither did many other people. I had deep dark skeletons in the closet,secrets,secrest,and more secrets that I buried deep within the smiles and laughter I projected as the fool I was in school. I felt an intense loathing for myself and when I met Nandini and Eliza, they taught me during the teenage years how to walk with confidence,how to use little things to be girlish pretty. I learnt to not be afraid of pretty things. I used to choose things with defects,if U passed me 2 erasers, one with a chipped end and another whole,I would pick the chipped one. Why?Im sure it's obvious. Because of my overwhelming sense of unworthiness. But I was lucky,really lucky to have met people who loved me from their hearts. Like my good friends,they are real people who accept my weaknesses and embrace me even when Im not worth any of it,even when they are so caught up with their own things. And recently my brother showed me what the meaning of a brother was. I never realised how much my brother cared until lately. I just wished those earlier years had not been wasted in silence.

The "angel" has taught me what it means to genuinely care. These days when her schedule has not been easy,she still goes out of her way to ask me if Im alright. She encourages me alot and when I tell her I had another attack,she would say "Nevermind.We can try again." And I feel so much more consoled.

I feel so tired and afraid. I feel like killing myself every single day. I feel so sick,so sick,so sick,so sick. It's unbearable and I cannot do anything without the pain there. I sometimes just want to not do anything and sleep,just sleep on, like Virginia Woolf's wish to stop the heaviness,the drone. Or Sylvia's heavyhearted proses. I am not trying to draw references to suicidal writers but I identify strongly with these 2 women so much. I have never been cheated on by anybody and I think Im fortunate to have met the guys who accepted my flaws readily in those long years. And yet I have a deepseated sense of no selfworth, that makes me take flight sometimes without a word. I know I let all of them down because I hurt them when I left. I wrote one of my poems with the phrase "I thought of how I would leave me and so I left you."

But i did change in the ensuing years till now. Even though the unworthiness remain, I am wary of fake people and bullies. I am my own steward and now I don't cower and look timid when these perculiar worms snarl in pearly smiles at me. I have to credit this to my mentor and teacher J from LA and Mr T who helped me find my identity and my voice. I used to think I could not sing, and I dared not open my mouth to really sing. But when they pushed me to release the pent up energy within me,to unleash that anger and pain into strength, I really found her,me I mean. I found that girl who was in pain,who was afraid of playing in the sun, that girl who watched from behind the blinds in envy at others. I found that person who has a fearsome ferocious explosive energy. I am grateful to them and my benefactor CY who had so much faith in me these years since he first heard me utter the first syllable. CY tells me not to cave in to this illness. CY says to find the control I can attain of myself again.I believe I can find it too,and I will.