Are u happy with your life?

I asked a few people that yesterday. 2 blogs ago I mentioned how I've been meandering thru this path of self doubt. I'm wandering and wondering about myself and my ideals,my goals in life. Somehow I feel like I'm growing a beard talking like this. Are u half asleep? :)

Am I happy with my life? Wow. I evaluated the degree to how I saw the word "happy" and tried to apply it to my definitions. Within my own yardsticks,I realized something.

YES! I AM HAPPY.

Self doubt does not equate to unhappiness actually,it just means that I go thru phases where I am not sure about myself,my abilities,the things or people around me or what I am in regards to their life and theirs to mine..Let me tell you why I am happy.

I know I am not unhappy for sure, BUT being not unhappy does not mean I'm by default HAPPY. It's another step up actually. I weighed the qualities which defined happiness to me and I discovered something startling that when I did count my blessings,I was stunned by how it had "runneth my cup overerth." Firstly,in rgds to my goals and ambitions,I feel blessed and happy to be given such great chances and opportunities by God to work with people who are kind and willing to teach and help me. Others who just drop from heaven offer me a kind word or two and always an encouragement to make my day brighter. I have all these outstanding factors that make working in my career exciting and happy. I feel bright knowing I'm smiling when I say "work" because it isn't really "work" more like,"passion"..

My beautiful mum and wonderful brother. They are always there to tell me I'm safe,I'm alright,if I needed to scream,cry,whine,I can head right home.

My best friends which consists of a group of great,great,great talented individuals. One of them is so far ahead in his work,he is my pride and joy! And I love how he's my mama and pal,buddy and sista. grin U get the picture. My other pal E. While he's smart,vocal and outstanding,he's also super funny and gorgeous. Now if he wasn't my buddy,and if I had an adam's apple,maybe we'd be in love. But nah,let's move on to the next point. My godsister and my best friend Geri and Eli. Wow. I cannot believe how I can have friends who stand by me fiercely and just stick with me through thick and thin.

Eli doesn't like music. She finds it noise. But, she listens to my music,because she said she actually likes it. I bet u guys have no idea how anal she is.So this is the utmost compliment to me. It is almost as hard as selling ice to the eskimos. Why?My best friend is the most annoying and hard to please beautiful wretch on this earth,and also the biggest heartbreaker I know. Now,I've even heard guys saying,they were willing victims because it was worth just getting the attention from her,the diva. And she deserves it. She won talent and beauty contests when we were like flippin 14 year olds. That was exactly the age I learnt from my friends that sitting next to a boy will get u pregnant!! HELP!

Geri,my sista and homegirl was/is a scrīptwriter that found me years ago when she was casting for a role.After we met and hung out,we just became steadfast friends. She has seen me crack so many times and my down moments when I was steeped in depression. This girl believes in me so much u'd have thought she's made of steel. I have utmost respect for her.

The most important thing of all God. I firmly believe that nothing I have will ever make me happy if God was not in control. So I'm glad I have the strength and faith in holding on to a force and insible power so great. To have faith is a feat by itself. And pure belief is a step higher,unquestioning faith. Why?Because I've seen things happen to me firsthand.

The other things that make me very happy indeed! Things like a good arthouse film or a wacky weirdish painting,music that's so upbeat and gets u into the mood to do anything. I'm a person that's constantly jumping up and down,I love to discover music that gets u to be excitable and fun,and music that heals and calms u down. I love all instruments,and everytime I hear a tune,I have a vision in my head of how I would write it in another way,or another integral response. That's why I love performing! Acting is something I dig with such passion,especially the triple threat factor. It amazes me how people can perfect this and I'm blown away by the exceptional performances I've seen on Broadway.

Based on all these things don't u think there's alot of things one can be happy with? I have only touched the tip of the iceberg,I haven't told u about my karaoke sessions with friends,nor the thrills I get from adventure sports nor my fixation with cooking and poetry.

And the other day,I had a talk with somebody I'm currently working with. During this phase of "wandering" I have become even more silent, and started reflecting and wondering to myself. I have moments when people think I must be going back into the "sad" and "autistic" depressive mode. In talking to him,I finally confessed my lack of "closure" from my previous relationship. It was a relationship where I invested totally and fully,departing from my previous indifference and emotionless ways. For that relationship I decided to be real,to be genuine and just not wonder about bad possiblities. I guess it was unnerving to find the person u loved most telling u that even though he loved u alot for everything u were,he just loved being horrible towards u,because he really didn't know why,but he found it fun.:) Yeah,in exact words. Because,according to him,u used to be so difficult,so that by itself was a challenged feat he tamed in u and then when he did win u over,he couldn't "help but become lacklustre because humans tend to take each other for granted".

I told my co-worker that I felt the strange lack of "closure" because my ex was in almost every memory back in LA. It hurts me knowing that everytime I think of something,say a friend from LA,I associate immediately back to the ex. It's like thinking of the time when I was in Vegas and on stage where David Copperfield made me disappear but the person snapping pictures,clapping excitedly was the ex. And how we huddled on sidewalks watching a game and eating hotdogs in winter,and monopoly nites with our gd friends.I held these memories so fiercely and angrily,refusing to let go even though I had moved on already with my feelings. So,I thought. After this co worker spent time from 4am in the morning with me talking till 1245 pm the nx noon,we ironed out the things that borthered me and I realized that it wasn't as tough as I thought. I kept thinking to myself that after being in a relationship that was so long,it was almost 5 years, I'd feel so jaded I'd never be able to see the goodness in another person ever, nor the good in myself in another person's life. But after this talk I realized that I had let go partially,and now it was all going,it was truly goodbye. I realized I'm not afraid of losing those memories anymore.

So with all that,I realized I was actually a happy person. Good things have happened and keep happening to me and I'm so glad I am alive, not dead. I'm actully really starting afresh again on this new page where I'm just positively eagerly anticipating life and what it holds.