An event and moment of truth

Did someone a favour last night. He was a stranger. He looked sick so I asked him to get ointment,turned out he was bitten by huge red ants while reading in Victoria Park.He said he had used up his money,so I said it's cool, I'll pay. I found out later that he was English,had been travelling an entire year and was slightly depressed because his wife had been found sleeping with his best friend. I felt so bad for the guy. He was sick,feeling lousy,it could have been a reaction from those massive bites from the ants. I bought him some food, a cheeseburger,a coke, from Mc Donald's and because he looked upset from Asia's heat,I got him the extra Mc Flurry for fun. He kept telling me he wasn't a bum and that he didn't expect to get into that shape and he was paying me back.I didn't care. C'mon,bum or not. Pay back or not. I'm not the richest girl in the world,but I knew this person really got into some kind of trouble,because he was just ladden with bites,or some kind of allergy. I thought if I could help,who cares if he was a bum or not? I got him some meds from the dispensary and Calamine lotion.

He later told me he was leaving for Singapore and then Bangkok where his dad resided. I wrote him a list of budget hotels from Singapore. I'd seen so many websites and walked past those streets,it wasn't difficult. I decided to do it all the way. Skipped going to the gym,even though I am super hung up about going religiously and decided to get to the supermarket and get a list of amenities for the guy when he gets on the plane the next day. He then honestly told me he had ran out of money for getting a bus to the airport. No questions asked. I just gave him more than what was needed for the bus,breakfast,for lunch and for probably enough to keep him alive not dead for a few days. U should see the gratitude on people's faces when u help them. I couldn't do jack for anyone in Sichuan. I haven't commented half a syllable on it because what was I gonna say? That I donated some money? Or that I'm able to donate blood? Dang. I've been rejected as a blood giving source since I was diagnosed as an anaemic freak. Yes,I've low blood. But still try to in Taiwan to give blood, until,now they say I'm too thin too.

U can see my scowl yes. Too thin?Whatever.Dude said I was made of metal. He said he could not imagine me being able to help a random stranger,he even warned me against picking random strangers the next time. I told him, if he turned out to be a baddie,so be it. Everything happened for a reason; I was in a position where I could choose to have an ordinary day or make another person have a better day. So I picked the latter,I wasn't going to get a medal for it. But I'm writing this because U know what? I didn't get killed even though people say some backpackers can be dangerous. I didn't think too much,I know it's a little crazy,but I'm like that. Really crazy myself. I'm cold as ice for the longest time because I don't trust people easily and then again I surprise myself and I do. I ran away from my previous relationships because I was always kindda scared and then I decided I'd change and not be cold no more,I saw the person changing right before my eyes. From my soulmate,yes,into a comeplete stranger. I tell u honestly,no one is a stranger until they literally turn from your soulmate into someone u don't know!

"I like girls with a personable beauty. I know my friends think u're really hot but u know something. Your beauty is the type put away in glass windows,it's cold. Too sophisticated even though U're a nice person. I don't know,u're Veronica. I always liked Betty."

I remember these words stung me to death.My good friends said I was nuts. They said I had choices 100 times better than my boyfriend then. Why was I letting this guy insult me like that? Why was I taking the crap? I remember once he told me he loved the fact that I could cook. He said he loved my cooking and felt he was so lucky because I made everything from scratch. Baked bread,made my own jam,even peanutbutter and my own ice cream. Yes I'm super extreme and hard core. I would wake up 4am to start rolling the dough and smile at the aroma from the oven. I liked making a huge feast and then top it up with a kickass dessert and no, dishes washed from anyone but me. Because I wanted to finish the whole deal and yes,it was me that said,go watch the soccer game and gave him a whole tray of peannutbutter brownie cups I made.

3 years later,when I still cook,the comments are different. He said I should not cook too well because he would be tempted to eat and become fat. He said I did a great job in being able to cook and stuff but why could I not keep the slippers at the door exactly 45 degrees facing east? And why buy him his favourite mango ice when he liked it? He would become fat because he could not resist. He said he got so sick of people saying I was a great girl. He said yes,I know U are arty farty,can write really well. Yes U can sing. Yes U can write music. U're pretty and can have lots of wit,yes,u're great. But then,have u perhaps wondered why I started treating u badly? I just am sick of people saying all those things about u.

My heart sank even though I know it should not. I thought I could be Estella from Great Expectations. I know why now I used my cold tactic. I know. Because from day 1,I knew I was miss weak knees. I knew once someone convinced me to really open myself up I would completely be pried apart. So yes,I saw the whole thing,I'm in my 20s but I feel 80. I have never felt uglier than ever and yes I suffered from a friggin low self esteem since they created the alphabets.

Why? It's crazy when U've had a chain of abuses your whole life,but still look like U've never been through anything more than an antbite. Just look at me,would U think I went through every abuse in the book? No,U would not. U would think I'm a princess,U would think I was/am a partygirl with all these boys to fawn on me. Would U think why my life would hurt when I don't seem to have a maimed arm or leg or perhaps a whole body gone into paralysis-sorta condition? U would not. U would think I have my Manolo Blahniks,my Jimmy Choos. U would think I partied and hung out with the hottest people. U would not know how I almost hung my head in shame because I could have had done it 1000 times better but I fell into friggin depression for 4 and a half years. U would not believe what my friggin IQ test score was. Like that made me 1 inch happier. Which is why I didn't care and tore it up in front of my shrink. Yes I wrote a prose about my life story.:) Yes I write music according to the way I view life. I was super depressed and had a million eating disorders,because I binged too much. I was 10 kg heavier when I did that. I just ate until tears rolled down my face and still ate because nothing could fill the gaping hole in my heart. I was signing a contract with a record label years ago when my best friend took my cell phone and copied down the names of some investors in the company. She had a sleazy relationship with a few of them and later told them I was acting angelic all the time but in truth I was a selfish bitch about to haul more money from them and yes,she even told one perverted investor that I knew he had a thing for me but I was manipulating it. YEAH RIGHT. If that was the truth,dude,my nose is so long it would hit Alaska right away. And so I found all these out when she texted me a wrong sms one day. To me,bitching about me. Brilliant.

So why the hell would I want to explain myself about not wanting to do showbiz after I fell into depression for that long and the interim years woven in between when I tried to end my pathetic existence? Because people would not stop asking me why I wasn't miss famous by now?Yes I looked like I was some lousy wannabe. But newsflash. We were born with nothing,Everyone is a lousy wannabe at some point. So folks, I got out of the stupid depression,I'm no longer hero worshipping Sylvia Plath nor Virginia Woolf,I love their art but I wasn't blowing my head off in an oven anytime soon. I am alive,not dead! And everyday I remind myself I am wonderfully and specially made. Even with best girl friends betray,even if your soulmate disappears,even when your entire life was always in a tragic patch of darkness and trauma.Scars,trauma. U can still live. Because life is really just that worth it.

Thanks Patrick, since I met u guys at the AnD party I made so many friends. I love the office team,u guys are so fun and zany. Stephen,u're great,I love your Taiwanese Eelan mandarin. And Shann Larsson is the sweetest girl ever. U praise me so much when U don't look at the mirror to see the fullness of your talent.U're so down to earth. Danny Chau is the kindest man on earth. His hobby is to help every potential person achieve the max of their potential. And others like Ivy and Shan who just have the most sincere and brightest smiles. I cannot remember a day or minute our eyes met and U didn't burst into that wide smile. Some people may say,that's no big deal but I see sincerity I heart sincerity. This whole AnD idea is noble,intelligent and great. I love how Daniel Wu and the Alive guys have achieved so much recognition and decided to reward other younger,or any other people who haven't been thoroughly noticed with the gift of helping them back. It's one way to say,but to do,U really rock Alive. Terence, U're so uber down to earth,U're the nicest bad guy ever.:) This is because the dude is always getting the I'm a Badass role. Haha I love it. Meeting others like Faye and even Nat was just great. They were talented people well travelled. Sometimes U live vicariously through others.:)

I find myself beaming when people like my music. In Retrospect was written for that girl best friend of mine. I never knew what she was up to but we had that period of strange silent calm. I started wondering things then because there were signs and yes the song is a sad one yet,with alot of infused hope. I always thought it was my paranoia. For years afterwards I had a phobia of meeting people,anyone at all. When u guys write thoughts on my poems,proses or songs,I feel so happy and motivated. Someday I hope to help and give back to the community too. Thank U Christopher Lay for saying U liked my music and George Winston. Fancy being in the same sentence as the man. Wow. Thank U Pedro Chaves for telling me I'm great when U're so super great yourself. Thanks Anton Wong and Dax for your feedback,I love it.

Thanks Starkiss,pokedpenguin,moonchild,charlyn,jon and elle and these other people who feedback every single time with a kind word. Melly,Kelly. Wow I don't know how to thank everyone enough.But I'm trying every bit now to do that with compiling my things together.:) Thanks.

Thanks.:)