Nose picking, straight pimping.

I haven't blogged in forever. I started a blog about how weddings are dumb and then saved it as a draft, only to have a massive fall off my bike the next day (I'm ok, but I'm massively bruised up). Then I spent the whole week trying to write this grant which I finally finished last night. That grant was no joke. I easily had 10 drafts of it before I finally gave up and decided it was done. Folks who think it's easy to get someone else to give you money to do art are seriously deluded. If I get this grant, I get $0 after I pay out all the things I budgeted.

My big showcase is tomorrow and I am still not totally memorized. I was all freaked out about it... to the point that I wasn't even sure if I could still go through with it (because it's still a new format for me and I was just so unsure of myself). I actually had a moment where I considered quitting... which is crazy... because I'm not a quitter.

My good friend, the famous playwright Alice Tuan said something great of this panel we are doing next week in Minneapolis called "APACUNT." It's a really outrageous fake, but real panel we're orchestrating that sends up a lot of "panelism"-- if you've gone to enough conferences, you may know what I am talking about. We're probably going to be the total blacksheep of the Asian American theater world (you know, and it's SUCH a big world that Asian American Theater World), after the antics (such as me pulling out a dong from my undies and stroking it as I read my bio) we have planned.

She said, "What's the worst that can happen, the folks who aren't producing my plays, still don't produce my plays?"

And I was like... "Oh my god! Yeah! What's the worst that could happen after this showcase? The career I don't have in Hollywood still doesn't go anywhere and I must then continue making an amazing living as a world touring performance artist? Boo hoo!"

So I am just going to put it all out there tomorrow. Have a fun time. Make mistakes, still pick myself up and keep going. It'll be a 35 minute version of my life.

LIST: You know you are a performance artist when...

1. You can't go out for martinis with friends on Friday night because you absolutely have to watch a man crawl around in an alleyway with a lit candle in his anus for three hours. (After all, he's your best friend.)

2. Thoughts of how to make your unitard battery powered keep you sleepless.

3. You have phone conversations that end like this: "I gotta get back to sewing my vagina. I'll talk to you later."

4. You roll your eyes when someone tells you about a gallery performance where a guy covered himself in flour and shat into a clear bucket for everyone to see. ("Oh please. That's sooooooooooo been done before.")

5. You are thinking of being a lesbian for a month and already know what grant you are going to apply for to support it.