i love..

how my whole world can just crumble in a matter of seconds..

and how easily my heart can break..

how messed up everything can be as it all sits on me so my shoulders hunch over from the pressure and my eyes shut from the sting..

and i give up (as i always do) i give up fighting for what i want and what i think is right because maybe sometimes things just don't happen according to how i think it should happen and maybe people aren't the way they should be and maybe i should just forgive them

and just let things be the way they will be (right or wrong)

and with that lesson learned (graciously ignoring the fact that i've BEEN through this lesson before and i've supposedly learned my lesson already)

i'm rewarded.

with a memory of you and you and you and you. when we were all happy together. when you, with the thunderous song voice and oversized calves, would play your worn guitar and sing old folk songs about boxes on hillsides and taking walks and shu shu shu la ru. when you, with your tender smile and kitchen ready hands, would come to school early to pick us up and take us to mcdonalds for ice cream.. and pretend to be angry when we did something wrong yet never have the heart to do anything but love us. when you, the one whom i was a shadow to, would trick me into meaningless manual labour as well as buying my own possessions from you.. and later on progress to wearing bright colored clothing and dancing on tennis courts with me as we dreamed together of a better life filled with music and peace and dancing korean boys. and you, oh you. you were too young for all this. lucky? unlucky? i'm not sure. though i am glad that you decided to make an appearance in my life. you had long ago planted a seed of responsibility in me that i owe much of my respectable existence to.

it feels like a million years ago. and a day.

i half force a smile along with some tears of joy. then, as always, they are overtaken by grieving tears.

i miss you.. did i tell you that already?