Loser's Lament...

Dear all,

Hi, my community update informs me that my last entry have been some 180+ days ago, that really shocked me....have I been neglecting my page for that long??

For the few who actually visit my page from now and then and are asking me what I've been doing for the past couple of months, I would like to say thanks to you all for caring and sorry for disappointing u with my absence here...as I've mentioned several times before in my entries, I'm really kinda lazy with blogs, sometimes I just don't know what is worth writing about, and everywhere I look, there seems to be people much more talented than myself who are writing or already wrote about the issues i care about...I lose faith in my own writing and view points too easily...but please bear with me, this entry tries no wit, only a sigh...

The truth is, the past several months have been a sort of roller coaster ride for me. In July I was approached by a film production company in regards to one of the scripts I've been trying to get into production. They were very keen in helping me out and by the end of the month, we found an investor willing to fork out the money for the movie. Needless to say, I was ecstatic about the prospect of making my debut feature and immediately began revising my script and getting prepare for the frenzy that are sure to follow when pre-production for the film begins.

Then came a phone call from my relatives which knocked me out of my excitement. I was informed about the deteriorating health of my grandpa, who has just been hospitalized. That being said, I dropped all my work and went to visit my grandpa in Taiwan. Although I've never really been very close with my grandpa (but don't get me wrong, we've always been on really good terms), seeing him on the hospital bed struggling to talk to us was painful to endure. My memories of him are vague because with him living in Taiwan and me living in HK and abroad when I was younger, I only got to see him once or twice a year. Of course, the fault is all mine, I don't think I've made any attempts to get to know my grandpa better, or to spend more time with him. I'm, as a famous writer once wrote, in that "stupid lyrical age, when a man is too great a riddle to himself to be interested in the riddles outside himself and when other people are mere walking mirrors in which he is amazed to find his own worth, his own emotion". My grandpa lived an exciting life in a very interesting period of Hong Kong in which I made little attempt to find out about, only to regret it now and understand how unfair it is that the young never get to witness the prime of their elders...

Next thing I know, September arrived...

I was back in HK, knowing that my grandpa have recovered a bit and was able to move back home, I thrust myself right back to work. September was an interesting month, because throughout the summer I've been told by several different sources that some imminent disaster is going to hit HK. Some said that a Brazilian prophet who has correctly predicted several major world events in the past (such as 9/11 and the 2004 Tsunami, they claimed) have said that on September 13th, an earthquake of 9 on the richter scale is going to erupt near Hainan Island in the South China sea, causing a tsunami that is gonna hit and destroy the coastal area in Hong Kong and all the way to Japan. While some, on the other hand, informed me of their Feng Shui Master's warning about the destructibility of the water element in this month. Although I did not take both of the rumors seriously, I merely took it as a joke or some random superstitious nonsense at best, but the date and the nature of the predictions were always in the back of my mind, and I remember thinking to myself on the 13th, to hell with the prophet...

But what happened two days later, few could have predicted. And the results shocked the whole world...

Yes, I'm talking about the Lehman Brothers' filling for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, which marked the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history, and it is itself the alarming signal to the economical turmoil that is still happening all over our global economy. But don't worry, I will not get into discussion of the economy and the poor regulations and policies that took us to where we are today because when it comes to investment, banking, economics, or whatever that are related, I'm a complete idiot. And because I'm completely clueless to these things, I've never been interested in investment or building portfolios. Therefore, when the Lehman Brothers and others financial institutions were falling, I was foolish enough to think that the whole thing would have little impact on me. It didn't take long for me to realize how wrong I was.

What happened was that, on the week when the Lehman Brother announced its intention to file for bankruptcy, we were suppose to sign a contract with the investment firm that is going to invest in our film. It just so happened that the firm had a lot of investment in Lehman, so with their money now in jeopardy, they immediately put their investment in our film on hold. Several weeks later, they officially informed us that they are no longer going to invest in our project.

I was devastated, because this is not the first time I failed to secure the money for my film. Such has been the fate of my project in which I have been so eager to get into production for the past year or so. I've been rejected by several film companies who claimed that my project isn't commercial enough. I began to question myself and lost all self-confidence; have I been dreaming all along? Countless questions and doubts engulfed me, night after night, thoughts after thoughts...this went on for weeks. I lost all interest in all things worthy of interest. I did not watch a film, did not pick up a single book...I withdrew myself from my friends, and especially those related to work...I found sleeping to be the best means of escape, because while awake and conscious, I think, I feel, I suffer...and in view of all the things around me, I had a deep conviction that all human efforts are foredoomed to failure...

Finally one day, for no particular reason, I snapped out of it.

Suddenly my so-called problems seemed so petty and insignificant compared to what others are going through everyday in the very same earth we share. I understand that this will only be one of the many disappointments life have in store for me, and the important thing is to keep one's head up in spite of everything and try to learn from it, grow from it...Always a pessimist, I was quite surprise and happy to be able to find an optimist in myself.

We tell ourselves stories in order to live, so this is my story for the past couple of months, which i have found the need to spill it out for some sort of therapeutic reason, or maybe I simply wanted to share because I understand there are a lot of depressed people out there right now...And my sincere apology to those who have endure this boring tale up to this point and found this nothing more than a lame lament...

To make up for this, pls watch the video below titled "How to peel a banana" for a good stupid laugh, because every once in a while, everyone needs a good stupid laugh....

Video: http://hk.youtube.com/watch?v=RenXaiNAaFc So don't worry about me, I've found myself a couple of exciting projects to worked on since then...particular thanks to Pang Ho Cheung, Josie, and Conroy...hope the bloody project will be a blast!!!!

Take good care all and happy new year!!

Oh, did i mentioned i was in Antarctica in December?

Stay tuned....

D....