Destination: Moon

 I'm turning 25 and it's time to do some looking back. Especially the past few years and also to see where I am going. So, let's see: After college, I said I'd give acting a shot and try 2 years and see where that takes me. Well, plans change, right? now I'm writing/directing and still acting, and I think my time is just about up. 2 years is up and what does it look like right now? Let's see: Acting is alright, got some stuff under my belt(tho everyone tells me I'm on a very fast track and done real well for 1st 2 years. Maybe b/c I have real high standards and a lot less patience but I don't think I'm at where i could be, haha, i don't like to wait for things to happen, it's the reason I got into writing/directing in the first place, I'm not gonna be the actor waiting for the call, I'm gonna be the one making my own movies), haven't hit up LA yet, so don't know what Hollywood has to offer me(probably nothing).But my filmmaking career has just begun. Finishing "Drowning" as my official 2nd short film after some success with "600" my 1st film, getting ready for a feature(writing stage) to do in LA with my filmmaker family which I originally started my indie film career with a few years ago in college as an actor in "Foreboding". Now that everyone's grown and gotten better at what they do, I think now is the time to get together and create a real movie(no more short films, sorry, but it's time to move on). I think I'm 25, but I feel like I was just born. I feel like the world is a lot darker than what it was a few years ago, all the bullshit and logistics and rules of the game that comes with working in the real world and trying to make a name for yourself. Don't get the wrong idea, but quite frankly I've had to do some stupid stuff I didn't want to do in order to get to where I am today. If you told me a few years ago I had to host shows and events in Shanghai to make money and support my filmmaking habit, I would've laughed at you and say hell no I wouldn't be hosting no lame ass events(not that it's bad, it's quite fun once u get the hang of it, but it wasn't what I pictured myself doing as a naive actor in college, haha). But hey, like one of my lines from "Drowning" for my character, "the way I see it now, you do what you gotta do, no matter what that is". It's true. Quite simply nothing is easy and as sugar coated as you once imagined.Most actors in college probably come out thinking they gonna crack it rich, even tho they won't ever tell u that, in their mind they have that mindset of that dream, it's that dream that makes actors want to be actors and struggling, but it's also that dream that blinds most actors from reality. I'm pretty realistic with myself and talents so I never really had that problem. I knew my strengths and weaknesses and I think that's important for anyone in any industry. And yes, people skills sometimes is more important than your talent in this business as I've found out multiple times =), esp. in Asia, why else do you see these actors in Asian movies who can't act? Sex or powerful family, haha, I apologize for being so blunt but it's how it is, I ain't the type to sugar coat anything. I'm raw son!  Now that I'm more focused on writing/directing as oppose to waiting on acting gigs and auditions(jk, I still audition and wait on my dream role, haha, jk), I know my acting side has taken a hit since I haven't had training in a few years and it's been a long time since I really "developed a character" like I did in theatre, but the fact of the matter is that "developing a character" is not really needed for most of the roles I've had. But quite frankly, with my own films now, I can do whatever I want, so I want to go back to "developing a character" and this is also another added incentive for me to move down to LA and get in that environment and taking some classes and get some training to get ready for my films. I ain't ever gonna be your typical lead with striking good looks having people licking their lips, my speciality is more internal and the way I speak, I mean, let's face it, I got a pretty abnormal personality that I need to put on film and have people go WTF? who that crazy cat? I know in my films I'm all serious and shiz, but people who know me know I'm that crazy SOB that u never see on film, well it's time the real crazy SOB be put on a film for all these cats to see and be like WTF? Brotha like me always taking in serious roles, it's time to go nuts and go for broke. Playing the same type has bored me:business man, boyfriend, gangster, killer, hahaha. I NEED TO PLAY A COP! jk. But I need to go for broke in my own films to take a chance. "Drowning" was cool since I didn't really prepare for anything since my mind was already so focused on the scrīpt and I didn't really need to act because I knew who "Jimmy" was since i wrote and developed his character myself and it's a real authentic character, for all you people out there you can knock on my acting from my previous films b/c some of it was pretty whacked(esp. from college days), haha, but u can't knock on "600" and "Drowning" b/c I know that shiz is legit, I am more of a critic than most people are b/c I got high standards for myself, so when I tell u u can't knock on "600" and "Drowning", I mean it's even real to me so it MUST be real to u and I'm imposing that fact on you! jk. I think cool thing about getting older is u begin to know yourself, and being so damn observant, I observe my own behavīor and how people react to it, and judging your charisma and control in converastions, interactions with people, u get a sense of what you have that others don't, and me being the actor, I'm always trying different shiz. By now I get a pretty good idea what's the ideal character for me, and something that's true to myself. They say most people leave the business after a few years, I feel like I'm not there yet, I still haven't shown my best hand, and it won't end until I do. When I've fired all my bullets and realize that none of them hit, then maybe it's time, but I feel like I just shot my first bullet, and it didn't hit bullseye, but it did hit closeby, and who knows if it's luck and I won't ever hit the bulls eye, but I'm gonna take my chances and keep firing until I'm running on empty and still clicking away and then put the gun down knowing that I gave it all I had. I think that's the only way to live.Most of my friends all have a career and are all working now, so it's good to see them settling down, and I'm just wandering in my own world going broke from makign my own movies. Sure it'd be nice to have a steady paying job/income and do that, but that's not for me right now. Once a few seasoned industry cats told me to take advantage of my single status and having no pressure and esp. financial pressure and go for broke and go after it. Well, I'm heeding those fools' advice and doing it. It ain't as glamours as I thought it was, but hell, I wouldn't want to be doing anything else.I feel like this past year with "600" and "Drowning" was my rookie season, and my 2nd season will determine if I was just another rookie that got lucky and can't mature into the player people had high hopes for. I don't want to be disappointment and that's why I'm working so hard to get good at what I do. I'd love to be making films for rest of my life: writing/directing/acting, but we'll see if it's the right fit and if it's where i'm suppose to be. Sometimes no matter how much you want or love something, if it wasn't yours for the taking, then it will never be yours. I look at a lot of my friends who are well into their 30's and still battling it out and living the struggle, and I feel for them. I love them and it hurts me to see them still struggling after all the struggles they've already faced. It makes me feel like I'm a pretty lucky bastard having accomplished all that I have already even if it's not much. So I'm almost 25 and i'm looking ahead, and I see the moon and the stars, I figure all I gotta do is build the rocket and get me there. I aint got $$$ to spend on film school and frankly don't believe in it even though I know it's needed for most people. I believe in just learning everything u can through your own discipline(books, watching other people's work and studying it), and then doing it. even if it takes my last penny to get it done. I'd love to go to NYU on a free-ride and all, but i know that ain't gonna happen, and I ain't got the talent to be the next Spike. So i gotta just dig in deep and pay my dues my own way and make it my own way. and if it doesn't work out, then i gotta sit down with myself and have a whole night of smoking and drinking which I don't usually do and laugh it off and wake up the next day and move on. That's life.  but for now, I'll keep the smile and the passion  going full throttle. Destination: the moon.