things gathered within the past 5 days, 3 months, and 26 years.

[normally i would keep this blog strictly art-related, but i think to be honest is to be brave, and to let others know who i am as not only as an artist but as a person, and how it later reflects in my work, is of value. this is a piece of who i am, and i will show the art that inspired it later. thank you for your patience.]

i felt tiny hands on my shoulders. i turned around to see my six-year-old student, jay, smiling at me. i pet her hair and asked how she was doing and if she could give me a hug. i bent down and she wrapped her arms around me; i could feel my heart swell and i wanted to cry. i just feel so honored to have the students that i have, whether four or fourteen or in their forties, they are all a blessing. on saturday during a lesson, i asked the class a question and i heard a voice in the back. i didnt make a big deal but i was shocked to hear it come out of my almost mute, seventeen-year-old. the studio told me that they have had him for two years, and he has always been very quiet… but after my three months of working, he started talking and i have found him very responsive to the lessons i have given. later that day, a few of my students told me how much i mean to them, and one of them said i was her role model. i think these were the best of birthday presents i could ever receive.

it counteracts with how horribly i cried a few days ago, after feeling back-stabbed by someone who was significant to me. that day, i wrote:

‘you were to think someone who has been fighting an abusive past, who has had an unfaithful father and a currently adulterous lover would hate men, or wonder why men cheat or do bad things. i was never one of those.’

i learned these past few months that i not only cried at the insensitivity of someone, but why these bad things happen to me and pretty much have always happened to me. not to be insulted with the response of, ‘its where you meet people, you meet these guys at clubs…” which is extremely far from the truth. im talking about a bad incident when i was a child, the fifty-year-old neighbor who smacked my ass when i was sixteen. about the teachers i respected have done things, well, unacceptable. the stalkers from my glendale apartment. being physically traumatized to a point where it gives me nightmares ten years later. the lovers i have had that made me feel disposable. the relationships ive had with the opposite sex has always been a gravitational pull of negative energy.  THAT’S what im refering to. but no matter what life has given me, as much as i have been hurt, i try my best to not judge, learn, look forward, evolve, and love unconditionally.

i work hard, i play hard, and above all, i love hard… if i care about someone, i will do anything for them and i dont expect anything in return, and to me, that is real and tangible. but i have been reminded these past few days that friends and loved ones will not hesitate to make you feel disposable. as i move forward and chose to evolve, i keep a constant high from the students those who i have encountered this past year. and i thank all who has contributed to my life, whether the good or the bad, who has shaped me into who i am today.