in the crossroads .

it stopped me in my tracks.

what the fuck am i doing here?

i sat down, still shaking. i ran my fingers under my eyes to make sure the tears didnt strip away my eyeliner. my hands were unsteady and i was afraid to go back out there, but i took a deep breath and threw on a fake smile and finished my shift.

this weekend, i passed up $200 vip tickets to the annual rave 'electric carnival daisy' to make some cash. it hurt, but i knew it was better to be responsible and bring home the dough rather than having fun. i worked friday and saturday nights at the korean club called kar nak, where i was a promotional model for crown royal's cask 16. my job was to get people's attention at the door, let them know about the special promotion with the new product, take pictures, go around the floor and quizzing people so that they could win prizes. friday was rough because i worked by myself on a packed night - it was exhausting.

that first night on friday amidst handing out prizes, i was in the middle of walking away from a table when a guy grabbed my ass. i was very close to hitting him, but kept composure.  i was pretty steamed and i should've done something, but i remembered how embarrassed the company was when i cussed someone out on stage the first time i represented them.

i stormed out of the lounge area and i told my boss that i almost smacked someone but i stopped because i didnt want him to look bad. he felt horrible and gave me permission to cuss out teh customer the next time i saw him. i went home pretty angry, wishing i defended myself the way i wanted to, but it was in the past and there was nothing more i could do.

four hours later i woke up. every saturday is a fourteen hour work block for me; i teach for ten hours and then i have enough time to get dressed and work the nightlife scene. i was developing red eye and i was going to take a nap before the last class of the day but i locked my keys in my car and had to wait for aaa in 95 degree heat. straght after teaching i did my hair and threw on some fake eyelashes and went back to kar nak.

the night was a breeze compared to friday except for another mishap. amidst handing out small samples and prizes, a guy's head fell out of his booth and he grabbed my thigh a little shy of my short cuffs. i was furious. i made sure i knew what the guy looked like and yelled at security to do something. it was too loud and he couldnt hear me. i was afraid they were not going to do anything, and i was very close to walking out of the club and going home. as i desperatly needed that money, if i cant even stand up for myself i dont even want it, because i cant put a price on my dignity. i couldnt help it but i started crying. as i sat there, i was thinking, what the fuck am i doing here? im a fucking teacher - how can i be a positive female reinforcement in a place like this?

security pulled the guy outside to apologise to me. he was drunk stupid and said he didnt even recognize me. i started cussing at him and he was cussing back, which made me even more furious because he was spitting at me while slurring. the club decided that his drunken babble of 'who the fuck are you?' was a decent apology and sat him back at his booth. we worked for twenty more minutes and we all went home.

i know i take my job too seriously as a part time teacher, but during the course of this job i realized the things i do and say, no matter what the content, adheres to them. one of them told me i was her role model, and because of that i am inspired to be a better person. i discovered how much bigger the world is compared to myself, and i feel compelled to do more...  like learning motherhood without the stretchmarks. haha. 

everything happens for a reason. we would like to think, with time comes maturity but it doesnt necessarily come hand in hand. i am chosing to evolve.

i have a lot more to think about.