Movie Review: Choy Lee Fut/蔡李佛

The Chinachem Theatre in East TST is one of the last of the ‘old guard’; sitting in the cinema, its easy to imagine watching classic 1980s HK cinema on their screen.

That’s the last time they did any remodeling, I assure you.

I have to imagine watchi ng classics here, because on the rare (2) occasions that I have come to this out-of-the-way (if you live here) cinema, it has been for less-than classic films.

The first time was in 2006 for Herman Yau’s Lethal Ninja/終極忍者, a film so magnificently cheese-ridden that Dayo Wong came off as the most thespian of the cast.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. It was silly, overblown, and pedestrian, but if anyone can be handed that particular handful of dookie and still make something of it, Herman Yau is the man for the job.

He did such a good job directing Eva Huang Sheng Yi that my usual overwhelming urge to punch her in the head and knock that lazy eye straight was (mostly) absent.

Where’s my tire iron?

It did have one of my favorite Moments, but the whole film itself is really nothing more than a conglomeration of missteps that makes you wonder who thought of this, who allowed it to happen, and who paid for it.

Lethal Ninja//終極忍者 was a messy, ridiculous film that had me in tears of laughter more often than I’d care to admit.

It was gloriously fun for all the wrong reasons.

And that precedent is extremely relevant here.

Because this same cinema is where I watched Choy Lee Fut/蔡李佛 last Sunday.

Speaking of precedents, and as both a mood-setter and a way of making my task easier (and briefer), please do me the favor of perusing the films trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8RViLb5KQo

Trust me, you don’t need to see even a second more of the film than you just did, and even the trailer may be too much.

But let’s start with the obvious and contextual.

The Chinachem isn’t the venue for quality films. We only went there because it was either East TST or Yuen F@#$ing Long (the actual name in Chinese).

Unlike, say, prostitution,Choy Lee Fut/蔡李佛 isn’t widely available throughout the territory.

So we had to go where we would find it.

And you should be glad we did.

Because now you know you don’t have to watch it.

The enumeration of this film’s shortcomings would take far more time than it deserves.

The most obvious, and most often amusing gaffe in the film has to do with languages. The film opens in ‘England,’ scare quotes here indicating that if any portion of this film was actually filmed in England, I will gladly eat my own right knee (the good one).

So it is not so odd, therefore (?), that virtually none of the people in England (not even the white people) speak with a British accent.

No, all the English in this film sounds like it was spoken by people from Hong Kong. You know, like people who work on a movie and one day are walking down the hall and get grabbed by someone who says “You know English! Go to the ADR room! Now!”

Yes, there seemed to be about that much care, attention, and money spent on the dialog.

Which is, to some extent understandable, except…

One of the (requisite white) bad guys is Ian Powers, who has, as far as we know, no discernible accent to his English. But such was the cheapness of this film that even he was dubbed by a Chinese person speaking English.

And oh what dialog he (?) speaks.

When his opponent notices his tattoo, Ian warns him “Don’t stare at it. It will give you nightmare [sic].”

We all thought that was veryfunny.

I feel bad insulting a film that Ian Powers was in.

Though let’s face it, I’ve done it before.

He was in Treasure Hunter.

No Jay, he’s laughing at your English inGreen Hornet . Youweren’t dubbed.

Still, I want to at least try to excuse him from any direct criticism. He does his scenes well, and that’s really all we can ask of him. The language thing isn’t his fault.

And he rocked in Contract Lover.

Besides, he was speaking English. The really important language/concept in this film is, of course, Chinese.

******Chinese power is nearly immeasurable!A young Japanese man gets on a plane from England to China (without a visa, too, because you know how much Chinese people love Japanese people). He looks forward to learning Chinese.

When the plane lands, he speaks perfect Cantonese!

Of course, this is not proof of Japanese diligence or capability.

It’s proof of sh*tty filmmaking.

But in line with the film’s ideology, it is proof of the vast superiorityof all things Chinese.

You see, the young man wants to study Choy Lee Fut because his grandfather was defeated in a duel by one of Sun Yat Sen’s bodyguards, whose Choyt Lee Fut was, of course, vastly superior to Karate.

Because China rules and Japan drools.

PhDigression: You know, Sun Yat Sen died in 1925. Assuming his bodyguard was 20 when he died (and that’s generous), that means that this kid’s Grand-dad was born 106 years ago. He’s 20-something, so…

Oh, f@#$ it. Talking history with a China film is like discussing art with a retarded Tourette’s sufferer.

Yuen Wah is pretty funny, and spends most of the time with a look of Zen-like contentment that is mildly confusing until you realize that he’s just so grateful he’s no longer in Vampire Warriors.

I’d look happy too.

He may be happy in the way that a certain word used to mean happy before it meant homosexual. It wouldn’t take much editing (or vodka) to see his character as some patient yet persistent bull fruit who constantly hovers around his students, waiting for a moment of weakness to take advantage of them.

He’s always asking if they want to talk, or languidly fanning himself, or criticizing a wife’s massage technique, or…

The same undercover-lover-of-his-brother (sister?) may be responsible for writing the wife of one of the characters as a shrill, gold-digging, unbearable shrew, providing a good reason why any smart man would trade an interest in breasts for one in testicles.

Jesus, I’d almost feel bad for that weird digression if it wasn’t so… true.

Whatever conglomeration of halfwits is responsible for this mess, they deserve all the scorn, ridicule and dismissal we can heap upon them.

The trailer shows us all we need to know about the film and the people who made it when it shows Sammo and Yuen Wah fighting against a greenscreen. These lazy swine couldn’t even be bothered to finish rendering the film before they began pimping it.

They also couldn’t be arsed (as the British say) to come up with a poster that didn’t look like an After School Special. But then, when has artistic quality or integrity mattered in a China film?

China f@#$ing rules.

If you get a chance to see this film for free, do it.

You’re not going to get many chances period, I’m just saying.

You will, I promise, laugh a lot.

It’s not a comedy, but its still pretty f@#$ing funny.**