I know this is a morbid post but I can't sleep tonight and I thought it might help to share my thoughts with this page and maybe help get it out of my head.
My grandma passed away two days ago and it really hasn't sank in yet.
She was really old, 97 in fact and I believe died peacefully after living with cancer for what seems forever.
What's really crazy is that we were never close. I'd live with her 2 months of the year with my uncle and auntie whenever i'd visit Hong Kong. However as a child I couldn't speak Cantonese and she was kinda scary so I used to hide away from her.
As I grew older and my cantonese started to improve I began to be able to explore the world in which my nana lived. I realised that she was very smart and actually very loving behind the old and very scary exterior.
She has lived with cancer unknowingly for over 3 years now. (My relatives decided to keep this away from her as to not cause her unneccesary distress at an old age.)
This year since emigrating 8 months ago, I finally managed to spend quality time with her and really began to grow a bond with her as my grandmother.
It was so hard at first watching her die slowly in hospital but eventually this sensation turns into numbness. I was kinda relieved to know she'd passed away peacefully as I didn't want her to suffer any longer. Sorry if that sounds bad. but that's just my logic.
I guess now that she has passed on it has left me feeling very confused about how I feel.
What hurts is that I never really got to know this wonderful old lady who so adored me. It pains me to know my children will never really know the wonderful lady I had a small glimpse of knowing and respecting. I always thought my son would know this woman and now I realise she will be only a part of my memories.
She was a strong woman all her life and went through much suffering to raise her children alone in China back then. the small family I have in HK have total respect for her for how tough she truly was.
I just found out also that my grandfather in the UK is about to die of a similar cancer. Only he is 77.
We have been close our entire lives and I will be going back to the UK next month on a trip that may be my last spending time with him. My children will also never know how much fun this grandparent was, My son will never remember him for how funny and strong he was too.
Right now in HK I have many problems here, and many that I left behind in the UK. But right now with mortality and perspectives in question, all these issues that have been driving me crazy are really starting to seem so pointless.
I always thought these people would always be in my life and now I'm finally starting to realise that they wont be.
This has been said many many times but life is too short.
just imagine that in approximately a 70 year cycle, probably way over 20 billion people die. Each one suffers along their path and no one escapes it.
In 100 years time nearly every single living thing on this earth will not exist anymore and will have been replaced with something new.
but anyway that being said I'm coping ok. My life here is pretty neat and I have good friends that think like I do so it's cool.
I just hope that my pride for my grandparents will be enough of an honour for them when they are gone. I really hope this doesn't come accross as moaning. I hate moaners as a general rule.
I just wrote a huge essay below about people I've met recently that moan and moan about how miserable they are. There's so many moaners in HK, one of the richest and safest cities in the world! I had to remove it because it makes me too angry to read it and to think about how stupid and ignorant they are. maids, servants, money, international schools. you don't get that back home.
I was the fat ugly weird poor chinese looking kid who lived on a shitty council estate and went to a crap school. But I don't want your pity, judging from shit I've seen I'd pity all the guys that had privelidged upbringings!!!
I appreciate everything I have and appreciate my humble upbringing.
It has made me who I am today. Alot of people here don't get me, a lot just seem shit scared of me! Maybe because I'm so strong and unphased by fame, power and money. They have a lot of all three but still seem so insecure hidden behind their wall of prestigious pretentious bullshit?? Maybe they lack the integrity and security you earn from a tough life.
Who knows?
I appreciate and respect my life.
I'm sure most people who read this do too.
I hope any of the crap I've spouted tonight helps people in some way.
God I sound bitter reading that back! But I'm not.. considering..
That was pretty intense don't you think? On a lighter note...
If one more model / rich spoilt person calls me this week complaining about their life I will have to tell them to kiss my broke fat half white half yellow ass..
Or donate money to my band for my time listening to their crap as a shrink, as we are fucking poor ass motherfuckers..
