Its the first day of 2009 and I feel this is the time to share a shameful secret. I no longer want to live with lies and falsehoods. The secret is - I am a dead beat dad. Yes, a negligent father, a good for nothing. A dad who is not there for his only son. Man...dead beat dads like me should be beat dead. End of story.

Yes, I have a child - a son. Its been five years since I first met him. I do not even know or remember the face of his mother...man... there have been too many! How am I supposed to keep track?  

Poor Jonas...

OF course most sponsors of the World Vision Foster child plan don't know their sponsored kids that well! Since 2002 I have been spending about 450 bucks a year trying to keep Jonas in Guatemala here healthy and educated. Its a small gesture, but I guess its the least I can do.

I am a dead beat though. Because in 5...almost 6 years I have never bothered to write to Jonas like some sponsoring 'parents' do.

Its been neat watching the kid grow though. Here the kid looks like he is half asleep...that's my boy!

I am begining to think that maybe I should write to the kid and say 'hello'. He should be about 9 years old now and should be able to read. What do I say to him though...ummm...errr...'Hey kid...how's being a poor farmer's son working out for you?' I don't know what can I say?

At least the kid looks happy! I really hope he is happy. I have everything I woould want. In fact Christmas just past and I really got nothing I wanted, maninly because there was nothing I wanted in the first place! The past 5-6 years of me sponsoring Jonas has been my gift. I refuse to sit around do nothing and be a greedy asshole while the world hemorrages and slowly dies around me.

I'll say hello one day Jonas. I just have to think of what to say to you.

 

It’s the last day of the year. The final dying hours of 2008. Its hard to believe that I have seen 30 years just like this one. I don’t feel that old, but maybe my habit of writing long rambling diatribes is testament to exactly how old I am getting. I am going to be like Grandpa Simpson soon!

 

It’s funny. I originally joined this Alive not Dead site to cyber-stalk…errr…ahhh….show my appreciation for a certain MTV VJ. Yep I first came here to ogle VJ Denise Keller. Hey I think she is the most beautiful woman in Singapore. Yep I think she is beautiful its true. But its likely time I should leave this crazy obsession behind. Yep, it time to face the truth….I should write a song about my lame ass pining hey? No…damn…some guy in Britain already did

 

But now, my how things have changed. I have to admit the chance to yammer on and on about my lame ass life is kind of therapeutic. What’s really kinda cool is no one in Asia will know who I am so I can be absolutely honest when I write here. I know some curious souls visit this blog (I could not even guess why…are you that bored?) and its alright. Sometimes there are things you can only tell a stranger.

 

Tomorrow I spend my New Years eve attending yet another wedding. I’ll be honest. I’m quite blasé about going to weddings. One last September, one on New Years eve and one in May 2009.  Heehee! With me being such a miserable jerk complaining about everything, you might wonder why I get invited to weddings and parties…I guess I am a better actor then I realize! I guess I may belong on Alive not Dead after all! Kidding…I am truly happy for all the couples who get together…I just wonder why they are choosing the coldest and darkest night of the year to get married. It will be -30 C tonight.

 

Just kidding, I just find weddings depressing because being 30 and single and having people ask me when I am getting married is getting old. Sometimes I wish I could be twelve again and not have to deal with all these expectations. 

 

Old men typically have the luxury of indulging in memories, both good and bad. Being one of the afore mentioned old men, I have alot of memories I indulge in.

This is one of them. When I was about twelve years old my mother gave me a gift I will never forget. Its something I still have to this day. In 1990, the Canada was in the midst of an economic downturn almost as bad as the one we are currently in. My dad wasunemployed. We had no money. Most of the clothes I wore were ill fitting and ill smelling (my cousin, the source of most of my clothes back then had monsterous B.O.) and me having pocket money was a rare thing. Life was pretty difficult back then, but being a stupid twelve year old kid, I was reletively happy because...well I was stupid and ignorant of what I didn;t have. Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

Amazingly, despite being from a family that had nothing I still was optimistic (stupid) enough to believe that I would get the toy I wanted as a Christmas gift. For the entire year I had wanted a Headmasters Transformer action figure. And by gosh I was convinced that I would get exactly what I wanted that year. December 24th came soon enough and I eagerly tore into the wrapped gift with my name on it. and this is what I saw.

It wasn't a transformer. It was a stupid wind-up dinosaur skeleton. A toy for babies. Not one for sophisticated and discerning 12 year olds I thought.

Amazingly, I did not pout. I did not cry. I did not show disappointment. I looked at my mother and thanked her. Like a good kid should do. I always tried so hard to be a good boy. I knew we were poor and had nothing and I tried so hard to not show my mother how disappointed I was. But inside, I cried. And that was really the last year that I really had any hopes regarding the gifts I get for Christmas. My mother knew how I felt of course. I told her I liked the gift but we both knew the truth. I felt terrible for hurting my mother so much. I felt crappy for not liking the lame windup dinosaur. It was a crappy Christmas that year, just because I felt like such a little jerk for hurting my parents so. I still have the dinosaur skeleton as a reminder of that year.

Its been eighteen years since 1990 and honestly I still have trouble looking forward to Christmas. Eighteen years makes quite a difference. WE are no longer poor, far from it...but I still have trouble enjoying this season.

Tomorrow, marks the beginning of the Christmas season here and I will be be spending 5 straight days with my family. Five whole days. I will be travelling to a very boring, very cold city called Edmonton where my borther lives and works as the VP of a thriving company. He is on the verge of making his first million I believe. I will see my sweet nephew and my sister in law too. I will spend five days with my banker sister who doing very well financially. The years have been kind to us. The days of being piss poor are long over. It should be a wonderful holiday and I have to say - I don't want any part of it. All I want is to be left alone this year. And I feel guilty yep, guilty because if I say any of this I will hurt my parents and fmaily just like I did 18 years ago.

Not sure why I have the urge to be a miserable loner. I just came back from a house party and still have no enthusiasm for this holiday. I don't know why? Going crazy I guess...getting too old...

Well enough rambling. I am just glad anyone who reads this is likely far far away and will never know who I really am. Sometimes its just easier telling things like this to strangers. 

 

I once told two Aussies that, where I live, there can be up to a meter and a half of snow on the ground and that the tempuratures can drop to -50 C  in the middle of winter.

I think their jaws are still on the floor somewhere in Thailand. Poor, Aussies.

I am not kidding! Without proper protection in these conditions, human flesh can freeze in less then two minutues. In fact this has happened several times in the past. I have read many news stories of homeless people or druken party goers who failed to find shelter during the night who were found frozen to death in the morning.

It sound pretty harsh and I guess our climate is not the climate of choice for everyone, but I have always loved the Winter. Its dark and cold here at this time of year but there is a beauty to it.


 
In the midst of Winter, sometimes the skies will turn pink in colour at night



ITs quite a site to see fresh snow draped on the bare limbs of trees.



Something amazing happens to the sunlight that does filter through the clounds. Its soften and muted.



Snow is a sound insulator and everything become amazing quiet when it falls. It feels like you are the only one in the world.



Grey and depressing? Nope, I think not.



Just another walk in a winter wonderland

I thought I would show you all where I live...

See that white shack? Yep its home sweet home...Indeed! See I live with an owl. I guess that sort of makes me a little like Harry Potter!

Nah, lame joke I don;t live here but the owl does! For now anyway. I volunteer with an organization called the Alberta Institute for Wildlife Conservation. What they do is they rehabilitate, educated and do research about wildlife like this owl.

If an animal gets hurt  due to poachers, stupid people who are losers or highway accidents the AIWC's mission is to take the wildlife back to the centre, nurse them back to health and then release them into the wild. ITs a very cool organization. My job is to write a few articles about rehabilitated animals and take their photos! The Owl in the picture is pissed because I woke her up during her day time nap!

But its okay, she went straight back to sleep!

 

Cool hey? Owls are awesome.

I am writing a story about this guy here.

He is a bald eagle who was found up in the Canadian north. His flight feathers are broken, he has bumblefoot (an infection in the feet that is really bad for birds) and has a mass of calcium and other build up in his wing which prevents him from flying. He is going to have to be at the centre for awhile. Other then that he is recovering pretty well! He was found at the city dump looking for food so its a good thing he was brought in. Most likely his wing got injured and he was forced to walk around the groud looking for food, which led to the sores on his foot. Cuts and sores and a birds foot are terrible since birds are always standing. Bumblefoot in a bird  can lead to its death if the infection is bad. His feet seem okay now. But the main concern is getting the boy's wing back into shape! He is getting acupunture from a Vet to reduce the malignant mass in his wing that prevents him from flying.

My favourite trio at the centre are the three amigos!

What do you get when you put a pelican, a Canada Goose and a Snow Goose together? Answer? A bloody mess. I have never seen birds that poo as much as these three. Anyway if you are wondering why three different species are being put together in a room, the biologists says that flock animals like these birds need the company of others or else they get very distressed. The pelican was the victem of would-be-poachers who shot an arrow into his neck. Tough little guy survived the hit long enough to get the help he needed.

Hawks and falcons come to the centre alot because they get hit by cars, poached, stupid humans tried to catch them ect ect you name it, it can happen! I like this picture. Beautiful fellows!

Well thats it. I could not resist posting a few photos up! Check out the centre. Its a interesting organization http://www.aiwc.moonfruit.com/